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So being single is great when you have friends that are single. You can go out to events, concerts, dinners, movies, laugh, talk about anything, and basically just be yourself and not worry about any rules or restrictions. All of your emotional and spiritual needs will be met with the right friends in your life. If you want your physical needs met you can call an ex-lover or go on an online date these days. So between work, great friends and the occasional booty call what else does a person need? Well this seems like a great situation until your best friend actually finds someone.
I remember going out to happy hour with my best friend talking about how badly we wanted love and a guy in our life. After drinking three Long Islands we could care less and just wanted to go dancing. We would turn up the music and dance around the house as we would get dressed up. When we were all glammed up we would take some selfies and post “friends forever hoes before bros”, or something along those lines on Facebook. Then while walking to the club in the city we would talk about life, exes, sorrows, our favorite memories together, and ultimately how happy we were to have each other, and how boring life would be without one another. We would look over at each other with kool aid smiles and agree telepathically. We thought that we would be like this forever.
So in the last two years I was in seven weddings. I am the last of my friends that are single besides my best friend. Once my friends found their significant others it was like their cell phones fell into a bottomless pit and they couldn’t be reached. All of a sudden when I called them it was going straight to voicemail. Essentially I was getting the “FU” button and for anybody that doesn’t know what that is: It’s when someone sees you calling but ignores your call! Funny, I remember actually leaving voicemails to them at first but never getting a call back. Even if I did, it would be two weeks later. To top things off, they had the nerve to ask if everything is ok? By the time they called back I didn’t even know what the call was about. Then they would talk for a minute and say, “Ok, I gotta go. Me and so and so are going out and oh by the way my phone is broken so if you don’t hear from me that’s why.” What does this actually mean? There is nothing wrong with my phone I just don’t want you calling me while I’m with my guy.
Let’s fast forward so your friend’s phone has now been broken for 6 months or longer and you get a call. It’s your friend reaching out to you. Even though you’re pissed off they went off the radar leaving you alone to get fat, watch movies and eat ice cream by yourself you still take their calls. They ask with concern, “How are you?”. Before you answer they start crying and complaining about their relationship how incompatible they are, how they feel unwanted, hurt etc. They even ask for advice as to what should they do, it’s so horrible! Before you can answer they answer their own question and say, “You’re a great friend, thanks so much for listening and helping me. Let’s get together Friday like old times.” You agree with hesitation, but in your mind you’re having flashbacks of all the great times you and your friend shared and are actually somewhat excited cause you can finally stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out of the house.
Friday comes and your friend never calls. When you call, once again you get the infamous “FU” button again straight to voicemail. Six more months pass and you get a call from your friend “Hi how are you?” Before you reply they screech out in sheer happiness, “I got big news, we’re getting married and I want you to be in the wedding!” Before you answer yes or no you receive 20 texts of all the wedding plans, dress fittings and cost. “I’m so happy you’re my bestie and you get to celebrate my big day.” Then I bring up the fact that we had plans 6 months ago, and a silent pause is on the other end. They respond with, “Oh well, you know my phone was broken silly.” I’ll save Bridezillas for another post but you get my point. All of us will have to experience the friend ditch.