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Tag Archives: live free video chat

The Future of Dating is Video and Here’s Why

02 Wednesday Dec 2015

Posted by Jason Sherman in Dating Tips, Home, marriage, Online Dating, Video dating

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video-dating-instamour

In the 1980s and 1990s, video dating was actually pretty popular. People would record videos with their camcorders at an office of a matchmaking company. Then singles would come in and watch the videos one by one and choose someone who they wanted to go on a date with. Speed dating was also pretty popular because you could meet anywhere between 10 to 50 people in one night and decide again, who you wanted to go on a date with face-to-face.

Fast forward 10 to 20 years, and dating has turned into either a swipe left or a swipe right to find your next fling. Even though Tinder and other apps have made online dating a lot more popular, it took a long time to get to that point. Just three years ago when I first started building my own video dating app, only 15% of singles worldwide were using dating apps. Thanks to Tinder and other apps like OkCupid, Coffee meets bagel, Hinge, and others, online dating apps are now used by almost 50% of singles.

It takes time for a barrier to come down, whether religion, race, or the stigma of dating online. For some reason, people just never felt comfortable putting their personalities and pictures online and meeting each other in a virtual world. But now that it is more commonplace, people are comfortable, and they are meeting at a record pace. The question is, what is the next evolution now that the walls have been broken down to the world of online dating?

instamour-video

Video. Real-time video. That is where dating is headed. And here’s a few reasons why:

  1. People are tired of getting catfished. Everyone knows that photos are usually made to look better, make up is used, and good angles are prominent. But when you meet that person in real life, they are rarely like their online persona, both in looks and personality.  Videos will change that.
  1. Vine, Instagram, Periscope, YouTube, Snapchat, and other apps are making video more and more ubiquitous across the board. People are getting used to showcasing their lives using video. What better way to get to know people on a dating app except for video?
  1. Every evolution takes time to take hold, the online dating revolution took 10 to 20 years to take hold. Video might take another 10 years. But we are ahead of the game, and have been here for years.
  1. Investors are always looking for the next big thing, whereas today they may not see how big a market video dating is, one day they will, mark my words. When that happens, it will explode.
  1. Single parents would rather have 20 bad dates from the comfort of their home while the kids are playing in the other room, rather than getting ready, spending money and time, to have one bad date in person.
  1. On the other hand, singles could have a really good date using a video dating app, and then feel more comfortable in person when they finally meet instead of having that awkward 21 questions, uncomfortable silence, and just the weird first date vibes.

Overall, video dating is the best way to find out if you have chemistry with a potential single person, before meeting in person. This will cause a shift in online dating to the point where there will be a lot less bad dates, less catfishing, and more relationship building.  Having video chats and sending video messages prior to meeting in person will help establish some sort of foundation. Only time will tell to see when this massive movement will start to emerge. In the meantime, we are here, we are ready, and we are all about real-time video.

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Netflix and Chill: The Truth Unraveled

22 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by Jason Sherman in Dating Tips, Men seeking women, movies, Online Dating, Relationships, Sex Advice, Video dating, women seeking men

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nf

Dating used to be something out of the movies.  You would pick up a girl at her house with flowers, drive her to a restaurant and a movie, give her a goodnight kiss, and then talk on the phone for hours until seeing each other once again.  Nowadays if you have a date like this it’s probably because you woke up and realized it was just a dream. When the Internet was invented, and companies started coming out left and right to exploit its power, Netflix was one of those companies. Nobody realized how big and convenient it would become, but it has.

In the age of millenials, when two people are dating, a typical night together is watching movies on Netflix (or scrolling through choices endlessly), and ordering takeout. This seems to be the norm nowadays because it’s easy, relaxing, cheap, and you get to know someone without too many distractions. Women seem to think that a “Netflix and Chill” date means the guy is looking for sex. Well that’s just plain ridiculous.  Guys are looking for sex regardless of what you are doing, whether at a restaurant, a movie, a show, or a bar.  Guys think about sex quite often no matter what ladies, so just get the Netflix/takeout sex thoughts out of your head.

ntxt6

The cool thing about watching Netflix and ordering takeout is how comfortable you can both feel knowing that you don’t have a waiter in your face every two seconds, you won’t be uncomfortable in a movie theater (most seats suck!) with noisy people around you (chomping popcorn or texting on their phones), you don’t have to deal with traffic and parking, and you can talk to each other without people overhearing your conversations. Don’t forget you can drink whatever alcohol you want, listen to whatever music you want, watch whatever movie you want, in the privacy of your own home (with your pet), use your clean bathroom (unless you’re a slob), and have access to everything that is convenient.

At this point I don’t really know anybody who doesn’t watch Netflix and Chill, it’s so rare nowadays. The truth is, if I add up all the times that I watched Netflix and ordered takeout with a girl where we just hung out and didn’t have sex versus the times that we did have sex: The “no sex nights” would win hands down.  So therefore that theory is completely crushed. Game over!

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The 50-50 Rule of Serial dating

10 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by Jason Sherman in Dating Tips, Online Dating, Sex Advice

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series-serial-dating-banner

I recently engaged in a conversation with someone online regarding the topic of serial dating. This woman claimed that all men are serial daters and that it’s impossible to truly be in a relationship with a man because he’s constantly going on dates with new women. Ironically, my response to that statement was that I felt the same way about women.

I happen to have a lot of female friends, and when I see them juggling 20 guys on their phone, that makes me wonder who is really the serial dater here, guys, or girls.  Most likely it’s both. But I also think that this is a question of context. There are guys out there like me, who truly are looking for one person to be in a relationship with. The issue falls down to the 50-50 rule. What I mean by that is, the luck of being in a relationship with someone, or just meeting someone who likes you as much as you like them. You have a 50-50 chance at it.

Portrait of three women and one guy posing in a close up shot

When you first go on a date with someone, you might hit it off and really like each other, or so you think. You might never hear back from that person again for a second date, even though you thought you had a good time, but they didn’t, or they didn’t find you attractive, or they didn’t like your personality. Either way, it works both ways, and you have a 50-50 chance of it working out. If you ask me, I think those are pretty poor chances. So unfortunately, with the advent of dating apps like Tinder, people are just a swipe away from another date and another roll of the dice to get that 50-50 chance. It just so happens that nowadays, people are going on dates a heck of a lot more than they used to 10 years ago.

I don’t think it’s a question of serial dating, I think it’s the convenience of having access to a plethora of matches and being able to truly weed through as many people as possible until you give yourself the best chance at finding someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. If you think that guys are serial dating, maybe it’s that they just don’t like you, as harsh as that sounds, it’s probably true. There have been times I’ve been on a date with a girl, or I even dated them for a few weeks, and then I just found myself not interested in them, and I didn’t see a future with them. Wouldn’t it be smarter to cut it short rather than drag it out?

It’s not like I’m dating multiple women at the same time, when I do meet someone I like, I focus on only that girl and stop talking to other women altogether. But until I meet that woman who I want to focus my time and energy on, yes, I will continue to date in order to try to meet someone who I can spend time with. Isn’t that what dating is ultimately?  The next time you think someone is a serial dater, truly look at the situation, the relationship, and figure out if you are a real good match for this person, because if you’re not, there’s your answer.

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Why Sex Compares to Ice Cream

13 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by Kitten Slatko in Dating Tips, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice

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Let’s talk about sex baby.  As a woman,  it’s still considered taboo for me to say yes,  I like sex,  in fact,  I love it.  It feels good physically,  it makes me feel good mentally (who doesn’t feel more desirable after really amazing sex?!),  it’s good for you (uh hello – a workout without needing a gym membership!) and it’s good for your relationship.

No matter how far the world has come and I’m not claiming to be the loudest, proudest feminist, but world, hi, we’re still very judgmental of women who proudly express their sexuality, and judge and shame them for being loud and proud of their sexual desires and preferences (think, Miley Cyrus).

But let’s have a little chat shall we?  Enough is enough already.   We know that sex is healthy,  it boosts the immune system,  it’s a great workout,  it boosts our mood.   It also improves intimate connections with our lovers. But,  let’s chat about something super important here, good sex,  bad sex and the people we have it with.   Personally,  being a person who craves good sex,  I get bored easily when the sex I’m having is what I call,  plain vanilla,  and from here on out we shall compare sex to ice cream,  because sex comes in so many flavors and we all have the choice to pick the ones we want, Just like ice cream.

 

There’s nothing wrong with plain vanilla,  it’s sweet,  but dull, especially if that’s all you have, every day forever.  And if that’s all I had for the rest of my life,  I’d survive, but be bored to tears.  Currently being unattached means,  I get to decide when,  where, with whom and how I enjoy my ice cream, and all it’s amazing flavors,   and I refuse to be shamed for that. if you’re anything like me, you have that one person who you connect with on every level,  except in the bedroom.

 

I won’t deny,  in my life I’ve had many lovers who there was zero connection with on any level, but it didn’t matter,  the spark, wasn’t there at all.  When you meet that person,  and everything fits, they’re supportive,  make you get those happy butterflies, but as soon as you hit the sheets,  it all falls apart,  and no matter what you try, fail.  For me that person is someone I’ve cared about forever, everything is right when we’re together, we have a million things in common, in fact I could call him my twin,  but no matter how hard we try, something disconnects.  The listening isn’t there,  I go in expecting miracles,  and leave let down, (that’s not to say it’s a miserable experience, it’s just not fireworks) it breaks my heart.   The thing I’m always left wondering is,  why, when I’m attracted to someone so much in all other ways, why is the sex sometimes so vanilla?!  And should we settle for vanilla sex if everything else is great.  I think,  the answer is no, but as always,  for some people,  it may be yes. Sex to me,  is high priority,  I’ve already mentioned I love it,(I have mentioned that right?)and so a great relationship without great sex,  won’t be great,  it will be vanilla.  And this is why.  Women for years,  have been told,  hide your sexuality,  suppress that side of yourself,  so if you entered a relationship and the sex was so so,  well,  OK,  but you should just accept that maybe, that’s normal.   Or even that maybe the problem was you, you frigid hag!  (as if! Trust me,  it’s not you). A good relationship requires food sex,  maybe some like it a little more vanilla than others, but the sparks gotta fly,  both in and out of the bedroom.   The truth is.  Sometimes relationships work and sometimes they dont.  And sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship.

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What Pretty Girl Syndrome Feels Like

25 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by Kitten Slatko in Dating Tips, Home, Horror Stories, Relationships

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pretty-girl-syndrome-1

I don’t usually think of myself as a pretty girl.  I’m not ugly by any means,  but I’m not someone who stops traffic either.  That being said,  my whole life I’ve suffered with the consequences of what I call “pretty girl syndrome“.

What is this you ask?  I see you rolling your eyes “not another post about how hard life is when your pretty”. No.  This post is about what it’s like to be judged. And how that can affect relationships.   Recently I experienced someone’s insecurities, aimed at me in the form of rage.  I recently moved into a new apartment, and my downstairs neighbor, an insecure older woman who I could tell has been having ongoing marital issues with her husband,  became enraged with me less than two weeks after I moved in.

The first thing I want to point out is how can I tell she has insecurities?  Well,  she never once said hello to me,  looked me in the eye,  or spoke to me,  in two weeks,  despite my attempts at being pleasant and in that time,  I had full conversations with all of my other neighbors,  including many down the street.  I’m very approachable and friendly.  Secondly,  in the same two weeks,  I heard her have multiple screaming matches with her husband which is also how I could tell they were having issues in their relationship.  Minding my business I spoke only of apartment related issues and only very briefly with her husband.  However,  very late one night,  this woman banged on my door,  and proceeded to scream at me,  and in fact,  damaged property of mine,  and eventually ended up arrested and charged with charges of assault and criminal mischief and property damage.

mean-woman

 

This is where “pretty girl syndrome” comes in.   This woman,  struggling with insecurities,  saw me,  judged me,  and raged out on me, for being “pretty”. Too pretty to be single and living next door the husband she’s having marital struggles with.  In this case,  I did nothing wrong,  but in the midst of a mental crisis this woman got herself arrested (attacking a police officer didn’t help her case). This is not the first time I’ve been judged for being too pretty or too “something”.  Countless times it was assumed I’m sleeping with my male friends,  or they must be “in love with me” in order to hang out with me,  because we can’t be just friends.

In college I was told by a guy he couldn’t tell his girlfriend we were having lunch because my name was “too sexy and she would assume the worst”. MY NAME!  so you would rather lie completely than tell the truth?!  Getting judged only makes me judge myself more,  I end up taking on blame for things I didn’t do.  Apologize for things that aren’t my fault.  I’m sorry my parents picked a sexy sounding name?  I’m sorry you’re so insecure you threw bleach at me because you think your husband can’t keep it in his pants,  but did you stop to think that I might have a say in that?  Why am I apologizing for being judged?  Why do I feel like I should suddenly be unpretty to make you feel better?

So how does this affect my relationships,  or yours if this sounds familiar to you?  Because I find myself feeling attacked frequently when I’m not.  I end up on the defensive quickly because I feel the need to apologize for things that aren’t my fault and then I feel angry for being made to feel that way,  even though it’s me who got me there.   And that is a sure-fire way to destroy a relationship.  Always being on the defensive means you’re always ready to attack what’s going to attack you,  but what if you’re not really being attacked?  It’s time to take that control back,  stop apologizing for being pretty,  let the defenses down.  And for you and its insecurities,  stop assuming every pretty girl is out to get you.  You might build a stronger relationship and find you’re able to drop your insecurities if you learn we all have them.

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10 Questions You Should Ask on a First Date

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by Jason Sherman in Dating Tips, Love at first sight, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Video dating, women seeking men

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10

One of the reasons I dread having a first date is because typically they are like job interviews.  You have to get to know someone, just like you do in a job interview, so you ask them 21 questions about themselves.  After thousands of dates, you can imagine how boring this can be, both asking the questions, and answering them repeatedly without an end in sight.

One of the things I tried recently to shake things up a bit and make a first date more interesting was to switch up my questions. Here are some examples of questions you may have asked or have been asked, and what I think you could ask instead to make a first date more enjoyable:

Generic Question: How many brothers or sisters do you have?

Better Question: If you have any siblings, tell me about one of the funniest moments you remember with them?

Generic Question: What do you do for a living?

Better Question: What’s the favorite part of your job?

Generic Question: Where did you go to college?

Better Question: What did you major in college, and if you could have changed your major and done something else, what would it be and why?

Generic Question: What are some of your hobbies?

Better Question: Which hobby do you prefer the most, and why do you like it so much?

Generic Question: Do you have any pets?

Better Question: If your pet could talk, what are some of the things you think it would say to you?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite food?

Better Question: What was the last thing you cooked, and why did you enjoy preparing it?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite movie?

Better Question: What were some of the last few movies you watched, and did any of them move you at all?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite band?

Better Question: If you could listen to any band dead or alive right now, which would it be and why?

Generic Question: Where are some of the places you’ve traveled to?

Better Question: Tell me about the most memorable moment you’ve ever had in a foreign country.

Generic Question: Are you close to your parents?

Better Question: Tell me about something about growing up with your parents that you remember vividly, funny, sad, or just a cool moment.

Generic Question: What do you do in your free time?

Better Question: When you have free time, what do you usually do more: relax, read, listen to music, watch movies, engage in culture, seek out adventure, or all of the above?

10-Questions-Not-To-Ask-Me-On-A-Date

I can go on and on with these generic questions that don’t get to the core of what will show if there is a match. Personality and chemistry reign supreme, but these generic questions don’t target those characteristics. So hopefully my “Better questions” will help those of you who are going on yet another first date.   When you ask someone these questions, take extra care to look at their facial expressions, so you can see how they got surprised and/or intrigued by your question.

I think these questions will give you more of where the person is coming from.  Whether or not they are creative, funny, or if they can think on the spot.  Plus, based on the answers, you might find that their personality is a lot like yours if they choose some of the same answers you would choose. Of course it’s only fair that you answer them also, so make sure you thought your answers through. In the end, this would be a much better way to get to know someone in my opinion while walking in a park with a coffee or an ice cream in hand.

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How to Navigate Through the Vast Ocean of Love

08 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by kristinlasalle in college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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I’m sure that if you’re single, you will agree that you’re sick of hearing “When you find the one, you will just know.  You won’t question it anymore, you will just stop asking yourself if this is who you are supposed to be with.” I’m not going to lie, I was one of the single people out there who thought that this saying might be B.S.!  Yet even I was skeptical that I would ever meet anyone online. It seemed like it was an endless pool of sharks and I was just a starfish sinking to the bottomless sea of the unknown.  Just a mysterious, endless, lonely ocean of nothing.

I read a long time ago that in Christian symbolism, the starfish represents the Virgin Mary (Stella Maris which means Star of the Sea), who creates safe travel over troubled waters and is also seen as an emblem of salvation during trying times. The star as well as the starfish are seen as celestial symbols and as such, they represent infinite divine love. In addition to love, the starfish also holds characteristics such as guidance, vigilance, inspiration, brilliance and intuition. If a starfish is injured and its tentacles are removed, they grow back making them immortal.  They have fascinated me since the first time my mother gave me one as a pet for my birthday.

At first, during my search for love I was oblivious like anyone else.   I would see an attractive picture and email back and forth with men that were obviously nothing like me and had nothing in common with me.  I was being shallow. I usually went for someone who was emotionally unavailable or someone who lived far away, or who was mysterious, or showed signs of being taken. I was avoiding commitment and I didn’t even know I was doing it. I was making mistakes and learning the hard way.  Each day that went by I lost more and more hope.  Did I even deserve to have someone special in my life?  I was in seven weddings and watched my girlfriends go on honeymoons, have babies, and buy houses.  Meanwhile, I was going to bed alone night after night, and each day my job (I was a matchmaker) was to tell people how to be patient and that love does exist.

One thing my job did teach me during this journey was a lot about research and statistics on singles and online dating. So I started to learn trends and what drove people to choose one person over another users profile. I learned online lingo, how to choose the best profile pictures, and how to make an appealing first impression by video. I read and watched thousands of profiles, looked at probably a million people that sounded exactly the same.  But how could everyone be the same?!  I was becoming an expert on online dating profiles and platforms. I even sat on panels and had shows about the topics. Then I went on a hundred bad dates. I really started using what I learned and my dates actually started to get better and started lasting past two or three dates.  But I was still alone and not feeling the ultimate connection.  I was getting no sort of real commitment.

The truth is, no matter what expert data you have and learn or analytics on dating trends and skills its still up to timing, fate, luck, and the universe. So long story short I actually found him and I just knew like people said I would! He is the most amazing, kindhearted man I have ever met.  He is just like me and we could have fun throwing rocks, or talking for hours.  We have a lot in common and I feel like he was made just for me.  Like I created him in my mind or something.  Sometimes I wonder if he’s even human. Well here is what I did:

1. Pray – I’m not super religious but on those lonely nights when I was lying in bed with tears in my eyes I would pray that God would help me or lead me in the right direction to find someone who had a heart like mine.

2.Clean out the closet – I got rid of my past just a couple days before I met him.  I said my final goodbyes to people who had wasted my time or had been unemotionally available. I wanted a game free environment for anyone coming in.

3. Stop going on dates/research – I used to go on a date if someone asked me and they looked decent or had an interesting job.  But now before I went on any date I took it more serious.  I would review their profiles then text as many important vital questions. I did my research.  I would check out their LinkedIn, Facebook, and any online presence, have video chats, etc. Its amazing what you can learn about a person when they are not putting on a facade to lure you in to go on a date with them.

4. I did the picking and choosing – Usually a man would approach me online, ask me out and that’s how the courtship began. But this time I refused to talk to anyone that emailed me or sent me a wink.  I wanted the men that were not interested and I wanted to find out why.  So I was now the one sending the first emails and my decision was based on how they responded back.  What I found during my investigation was the most unusual finding.  I found my guy on the first try using my new approach. I didn’t know it would happen that fast but it did and I’m ecstatic.  I found ten things I liked about him and listed them kind of like I would list on a PowerPoint for investors and sent it to him. Here is what I like about you, here is what I want, here is what I offer, do you want to meet? At first he wanted to meet for a drink like any other date but then he texted me back and said he would rather play miniature golf.  I knew this was going to be different.

5.Vulnerable/Honesty – I went into this wholeheartedly.  Yes I was hurt in the past, but I had nothing to lose.  I was already alone. I was honest with him like I would be with any of my best friends or family members. I was very vulnerable.  I always go for the unavailable guys.  He was different.  He was showing that he was available.  I gave him my trust. I remember one of our first few dates he told me to get dressed up and I had no clue where we were going but I let him surprise me.  I didn’t have to know everything.  I didn’t have to know all the answers or where we were going as long as it was together.  This was new to me.

I wasn’t alone anymore, I found another starfish in the sea to float through the great big ocean. Maybe it’s not about what you think is supposed to happen but it’s about taking what’s missing in your heart more serious.  After you do this then you will let timing, fate, karma, and serendipity come into play. Don’t ever give up hope.  There is absolutely someone for everyone.

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When You Know You’re Ready to Settle Down

01 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by kristinlasalle in college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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Relationships are fantastic if you find the right person to share the experience with. There are so many different things to consider when it comes to settling down long-term, finally committing, and taking yourself off the market.  Here are some of the signs I found most significant for me:

1.  You have been single for a significant amount of time: If you have been single for a long period of time this is actually very good, you have actually done what most people cannot do be alone. You are now comfortable with who you are, you have your own interests, likes and dislikes.  You are not hiding behind a partners’ shadow and you have your own life. This will help you with a future partner.  Not only is your independence attractive, but it shows you are settling down for the right reasons and not to just to have someone around just because.

Fact:75 percent of folks who settled down feel that they just settled, according to a new study by Siemens Festival Nights .

 

2. Tired of being the third wheel: When your friends are all married, engaged, living with partners and you’re always the third wheel, it will definitely start crossing your mind that it would be really nice to have someone on your arm. When your friends stop giving you a plus one to their events because they never see you with anyone and want to save money, you know that even they have given up on your search for love.

3. You are alone on the Holidays: Have you ever been at the mall during Christmas and everyone seems to be running around for that special gift.  You are actually jealous of their craziness because, you know you won’t be snuggling up by the fireplace drinking hot cocoa under the mistletoe with your beloved. You’re ready to sit on Santa’s lap and wish for a boyfriend.  Imagine six years alone on every holiday. I imagine my first holiday with someone will be better then any gift that would be store bought.

 

4. The night life and random dates start to bore you:  On dates, you can only get dressed up so many times, drink so many fancy martinis and explain your life story over and over again to someone who is most likely completely a waste of time or wrong for you. If you are out on the prowl and know what the DJ is going to play next and what the drink specials are at your favorite hot spot, you are definitely spending too much time being single. I know I personally enjoy cooking dinner, watching movies, laughing and snuggling over any night out.

5. You don’t have an emergency contact: This might sound silly but after my mom passed away and I lost both parents I had to take my mom off my records as the emergency contact. And as everyone knows there is a spot for spouse husband/wife and mine has always been blank. So as I was sitting there with my injured hip alone in the hospital bed after surgery I realized I wanted to fill that spot in.  I don’t want to be here alone.  I want someone to go get me a vending machine drink and snack and tell me it’s all OK and they love me. I’m a big baby.

6. You know you won’t mess up things if you found the right person this time around: We all look back at mistakes we made and our past failed relationships.  When you are mentally ready for a real relationship you might be thinking and saying things , Like if I ever find a person that is worth it I will not just give up on them. I won’t run away when times get tough and I won’t ever think the grass is greener.  They will be my second chance, my everything and I will always put them first and make it work.

Hope this helps a little.  Please add some of your thoughts and remember we all make mistakes.  We all have struggles and regrets from things that have happened in our past.  We are not our mistakes, struggles or regrets. We are here now today and alive.  So use those experiences to shape tomorrow and your future relationships. Life has been preparing you for all the right things that are yet to come good luck out there!

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Why Two Lovers aren’t Better than One

21 Thursday May 2015

Posted by Kitten Slatko in friendships, Love at first sight, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, women seeking men

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Threesome

I know you’re sitting there asking yourself (or asking me)  Um,  doesn’t 1+1=2? And before I answer,  no I didn’t fail math, I promise. But in some cases,  1 simply is a greater number.   Let’s get this right out in the open,  I am not opposed to playing the field or casual dating/open relationships.  As long as honesty is involved.  But, in the case of what I call,  partner hoarding,  I’m completely opposed.

If you are starting to date someone,  and it’s becoming serious,  the question becomes,  when and how do you tell your other suitors goodbye.  Or more importantly, when in your new romances,  do you stop looking for eligible bachelor’s? There isn’t an exact science for when it’s time to delete those dating apps or tell those Snapchat buddies no more sexting (is that still a thing?)

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I came upon this type of predicament recently,  when my recent paramour, we’ll call him The Magician,  disappeared, like smoke, without a word,  and I had to ask myself,  am I supposed to date again?  Do I wait?  And how honest is too honest for a new potential suitor before it sends them packing? Do I verbal vomit that my most recent eligible bachelor just up and vanished? What the hell does that say about me?!

In my experience,  for my own self preservation,  I play things pretty close to the chest,  I always have, I don’t show my hand till I think I found someone worthy of knowing more in general.  Not everyone feels this way,  it’s simply a matter of choice.  But recently,  having just had a very short lived, whirlwind roller-coaster romance, which seemed to be headed towards disaster,  I flirted with someone else, very casually without any intentions.  I wasn’t up front with them about what else I had going on,  given I wasn’t even sure what ground I stood on, if it was on or off (turns out it was both on and off again!  Dizzy yet?)  I wasn’t up front because I wasn’t sure there was a point to opening a book about something that seemed closed,  and I didn’t want to start a fire when there wasn’t any need to burn the forest down.

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My best friend warned me “this guy is flirting with you, he’s interested and you need to pay attention” and I brushed it off,  thinking,  “it’s not that serious, he won’t care that I have an on again off again thing and besides…we’re just flirting.”  But what if that was reversed?  How do I feel when someone isn’t honest with me?  The answer is hurt.  And pissed. So pissed. When my Magician again showed back up,  I thought “See,  OK, this is why I waited and I can explain this at some point to Mr. Flirty because well,  we’re really just friends who say somewhat colored things to each other once in a while with no intentions.”  Until once again, The Magician disappeared, and I thought, who’s the fool here?  Me for playing with fire by stringing someone along and being dishonest,  while I wait for someone to show up and stay committed, who clearly can’t.  Or blowing off the chance with someone who wants to spend time with me.

Don’t be me.  I thought about why I had never said a word to Mr. Flirty, maybe because I liked the attention,  maybe because I sort of knew Mr. Magician would vanish again and there would be no point.  Maybe because I didn’t want to lose either one just yet.  But no answer is acceptable.  Don’t hoard lovers out of fear of losing one,  because in the end you’ll lose them all.  Hold onto the one who will treat you well,  even if it doesn’t work out,  and if neither is that, then 1 still is the greater number.  You.

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When Your New Partner Pulls a Disappearing Act

17 Sunday May 2015

Posted by Kitten Slatko in Dating Tips, Horror Stories, Online Dating, Relationships, women seeking men

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abuse, dating, dating abuse, dating app, Dating Apps, dating online, dating tips, disappearing girl, disappearing guy, facebook, first date, hinge, instagram, instamour, live free video chat, live video chat, Marriage, new app, okcupid, online dating, physical abuse, plenty of fish, plentyoffish, relationship, sex, threesome, tinder, verbal abuse, video chat rooms, video online chat

now

I had been in a relationship for over 7 years with an abusive, violent tempered man, when I finally found the courage to leave and start over at 31. There were times I thought, what the hell am I doing?

I don’t even remember what dating looks like, and I definitely had forgotten how to be single. I thought for sure I knew what abuse looked like. But it comes in all forms. After being abused, I had to pick myself back up.  This took four months of hanging out with my girl friends, working out at the gym, throwing myself into my work, and of course spending quality time by myself and my rescue pit bull.

I decided it was time to stop waiting around and get back on the dating horse. After saying I never would (and partially being grateful I never had to), I agreed to join a dating app as a “social experiment” along with my best friend. I immediately got several matches and began talking to a few, but instantly clicked with one. This was in the middle of a terrible snow storm we had here in New York.  Our first date almost didn’t happen, but he agreed to pick me up in the middle of the snow storm.  We went to a coffee shop, where we genuinely clicked, so much so that I agreed to let him come over to help me shovel my snow covered driveway (I swear it’s not a euphemism just a really sweet way to keep our date going late into the evening).

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After that first date we just couldn’t stop talking. He joined a chat client so we could talk while I was at work, and we saw each other every day. It seemed too perfect, but after what I had just been through I was thinking “don’t I deserve a little perfect?”. This man was sweet, kind, and loved my overprotective, stinky dog. He refused to let me pay for anything (any time I tried, I would find money hidden in my pockets and a text would pop up saying “Check your pockets cutie xoxo”).

Within a short time he was admitting that something was drawing him to me, he was falling for me, and as scared as I was, I was falling for him too. I deleted my dating app, he deleted his and we asked the question only a few weeks in “are we a couple?” and both feeling giddy, we agreed. On our way to dinner, he looked at me and said with a huge grin “I have a girlfriend!!”, after years of feeling like someone’s property, I felt like I had someone who cherished me and was happy in my company.

Three months in, things changed.  I stopped hearing from him as frequently, and got excuses that work was getting busy, well OK, this is a man who runs his own business, it was possible, and who doesn’t appreciate a hard working partner? Suddenly I started questioning his feelings, and mine, already wary of getting used and hurt, now I was on edge.

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Then after buying him a plane ticket and hotel to visit my family out of state, I didn’t hear from him for nearly 3 weeks.  It was radio silence, so much that my best friend even texted him, to sarcastically ask him if he was dead. What was going on? I cried in text messages, “where are u?! ” and asked him to confirm if we were still going on this trip, or even still a couple, which, briefly he assured me he was and we most certainly were.

He agreed to pick me up one night but never showed up.  I was about to give up, but the day before the trip, miraculously there he was, and he owed me a serious explanation. Which to this day, I only sort of got. He gave me apologies, about how selfish he was, for thinking he could disappear and how he knew how close to losing me he came and he never wants that to happen. I listened and said, “do this again and we’re done”. He promised. He said let’s move in together. When we got home things were better, for a short time, and then we had to decide on an apartment. I spent time looking, time he had promised to spend with me, and yet came up with reasons why he couldn’t. When I found a place for us, he couldn’t be there to see it, he disappeared…again. He stopped answering his phone.

Abuse comes in all forms. I thought I knew what it looked like and could spot it a million miles away. I found myself on the receiving end of a roller coaster of emotions again, not knowing when or where I would hear from this man who claimed to care about me. Are there good, kind men out there? I’m still hoping.

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