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The 50-50 Rule of Serial dating

10 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, Online Dating, Sex Advice

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I recently engaged in a conversation with someone online regarding the topic of serial dating. This woman claimed that all men are serial daters and that it’s impossible to truly be in a relationship with a man because he’s constantly going on dates with new women. Ironically, my response to that statement was that I felt the same way about women.

I happen to have a lot of female friends, and when I see them juggling 20 guys on their phone, that makes me wonder who is really the serial dater here, guys, or girls.  Most likely it’s both. But I also think that this is a question of context. There are guys out there like me, who truly are looking for one person to be in a relationship with. The issue falls down to the 50-50 rule. What I mean by that is, the luck of being in a relationship with someone, or just meeting someone who likes you as much as you like them. You have a 50-50 chance at it.

Portrait of three women and one guy posing in a close up shot

When you first go on a date with someone, you might hit it off and really like each other, or so you think. You might never hear back from that person again for a second date, even though you thought you had a good time, but they didn’t, or they didn’t find you attractive, or they didn’t like your personality. Either way, it works both ways, and you have a 50-50 chance of it working out. If you ask me, I think those are pretty poor chances. So unfortunately, with the advent of dating apps like Tinder, people are just a swipe away from another date and another roll of the dice to get that 50-50 chance. It just so happens that nowadays, people are going on dates a heck of a lot more than they used to 10 years ago.

I don’t think it’s a question of serial dating, I think it’s the convenience of having access to a plethora of matches and being able to truly weed through as many people as possible until you give yourself the best chance at finding someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. If you think that guys are serial dating, maybe it’s that they just don’t like you, as harsh as that sounds, it’s probably true. There have been times I’ve been on a date with a girl, or I even dated them for a few weeks, and then I just found myself not interested in them, and I didn’t see a future with them. Wouldn’t it be smarter to cut it short rather than drag it out?

It’s not like I’m dating multiple women at the same time, when I do meet someone I like, I focus on only that girl and stop talking to other women altogether. But until I meet that woman who I want to focus my time and energy on, yes, I will continue to date in order to try to meet someone who I can spend time with. Isn’t that what dating is ultimately?  The next time you think someone is a serial dater, truly look at the situation, the relationship, and figure out if you are a real good match for this person, because if you’re not, there’s your answer.

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Why Sex Compares to Ice Cream

13 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice

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Let’s talk about sex baby.  As a woman,  it’s still considered taboo for me to say yes,  I like sex,  in fact,  I love it.  It feels good physically,  it makes me feel good mentally (who doesn’t feel more desirable after really amazing sex?!),  it’s good for you (uh hello – a workout without needing a gym membership!) and it’s good for your relationship.

No matter how far the world has come and I’m not claiming to be the loudest, proudest feminist, but world, hi, we’re still very judgmental of women who proudly express their sexuality, and judge and shame them for being loud and proud of their sexual desires and preferences (think, Miley Cyrus).

But let’s have a little chat shall we?  Enough is enough already.   We know that sex is healthy,  it boosts the immune system,  it’s a great workout,  it boosts our mood.   It also improves intimate connections with our lovers. But,  let’s chat about something super important here, good sex,  bad sex and the people we have it with.   Personally,  being a person who craves good sex,  I get bored easily when the sex I’m having is what I call,  plain vanilla,  and from here on out we shall compare sex to ice cream,  because sex comes in so many flavors and we all have the choice to pick the ones we want, Just like ice cream.

 

There’s nothing wrong with plain vanilla,  it’s sweet,  but dull, especially if that’s all you have, every day forever.  And if that’s all I had for the rest of my life,  I’d survive, but be bored to tears.  Currently being unattached means,  I get to decide when,  where, with whom and how I enjoy my ice cream, and all it’s amazing flavors,   and I refuse to be shamed for that. if you’re anything like me, you have that one person who you connect with on every level,  except in the bedroom.

 

I won’t deny,  in my life I’ve had many lovers who there was zero connection with on any level, but it didn’t matter,  the spark, wasn’t there at all.  When you meet that person,  and everything fits, they’re supportive,  make you get those happy butterflies, but as soon as you hit the sheets,  it all falls apart,  and no matter what you try, fail.  For me that person is someone I’ve cared about forever, everything is right when we’re together, we have a million things in common, in fact I could call him my twin,  but no matter how hard we try, something disconnects.  The listening isn’t there,  I go in expecting miracles,  and leave let down, (that’s not to say it’s a miserable experience, it’s just not fireworks) it breaks my heart.   The thing I’m always left wondering is,  why, when I’m attracted to someone so much in all other ways, why is the sex sometimes so vanilla?!  And should we settle for vanilla sex if everything else is great.  I think,  the answer is no, but as always,  for some people,  it may be yes. Sex to me,  is high priority,  I’ve already mentioned I love it,(I have mentioned that right?)and so a great relationship without great sex,  won’t be great,  it will be vanilla.  And this is why.  Women for years,  have been told,  hide your sexuality,  suppress that side of yourself,  so if you entered a relationship and the sex was so so,  well,  OK,  but you should just accept that maybe, that’s normal.   Or even that maybe the problem was you, you frigid hag!  (as if! Trust me,  it’s not you). A good relationship requires food sex,  maybe some like it a little more vanilla than others, but the sparks gotta fly,  both in and out of the bedroom.   The truth is.  Sometimes relationships work and sometimes they dont.  And sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship.

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What Pretty Girl Syndrome Feels Like

25 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, Home, Horror Stories, Relationships

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I don’t usually think of myself as a pretty girl.  I’m not ugly by any means,  but I’m not someone who stops traffic either.  That being said,  my whole life I’ve suffered with the consequences of what I call “pretty girl syndrome“.

What is this you ask?  I see you rolling your eyes “not another post about how hard life is when your pretty”. No.  This post is about what it’s like to be judged. And how that can affect relationships.   Recently I experienced someone’s insecurities, aimed at me in the form of rage.  I recently moved into a new apartment, and my downstairs neighbor, an insecure older woman who I could tell has been having ongoing marital issues with her husband,  became enraged with me less than two weeks after I moved in.

The first thing I want to point out is how can I tell she has insecurities?  Well,  she never once said hello to me,  looked me in the eye,  or spoke to me,  in two weeks,  despite my attempts at being pleasant and in that time,  I had full conversations with all of my other neighbors,  including many down the street.  I’m very approachable and friendly.  Secondly,  in the same two weeks,  I heard her have multiple screaming matches with her husband which is also how I could tell they were having issues in their relationship.  Minding my business I spoke only of apartment related issues and only very briefly with her husband.  However,  very late one night,  this woman banged on my door,  and proceeded to scream at me,  and in fact,  damaged property of mine,  and eventually ended up arrested and charged with charges of assault and criminal mischief and property damage.

mean-woman

 

This is where “pretty girl syndrome” comes in.   This woman,  struggling with insecurities,  saw me,  judged me,  and raged out on me, for being “pretty”. Too pretty to be single and living next door the husband she’s having marital struggles with.  In this case,  I did nothing wrong,  but in the midst of a mental crisis this woman got herself arrested (attacking a police officer didn’t help her case). This is not the first time I’ve been judged for being too pretty or too “something”.  Countless times it was assumed I’m sleeping with my male friends,  or they must be “in love with me” in order to hang out with me,  because we can’t be just friends.

In college I was told by a guy he couldn’t tell his girlfriend we were having lunch because my name was “too sexy and she would assume the worst”. MY NAME!  so you would rather lie completely than tell the truth?!  Getting judged only makes me judge myself more,  I end up taking on blame for things I didn’t do.  Apologize for things that aren’t my fault.  I’m sorry my parents picked a sexy sounding name?  I’m sorry you’re so insecure you threw bleach at me because you think your husband can’t keep it in his pants,  but did you stop to think that I might have a say in that?  Why am I apologizing for being judged?  Why do I feel like I should suddenly be unpretty to make you feel better?

So how does this affect my relationships,  or yours if this sounds familiar to you?  Because I find myself feeling attacked frequently when I’m not.  I end up on the defensive quickly because I feel the need to apologize for things that aren’t my fault and then I feel angry for being made to feel that way,  even though it’s me who got me there.   And that is a sure-fire way to destroy a relationship.  Always being on the defensive means you’re always ready to attack what’s going to attack you,  but what if you’re not really being attacked?  It’s time to take that control back,  stop apologizing for being pretty,  let the defenses down.  And for you and its insecurities,  stop assuming every pretty girl is out to get you.  You might build a stronger relationship and find you’re able to drop your insecurities if you learn we all have them.

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10 Questions You Should Ask on a First Date

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, Love at first sight, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Video dating, women seeking men

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10

One of the reasons I dread having a first date is because typically they are like job interviews.  You have to get to know someone, just like you do in a job interview, so you ask them 21 questions about themselves.  After thousands of dates, you can imagine how boring this can be, both asking the questions, and answering them repeatedly without an end in sight.

One of the things I tried recently to shake things up a bit and make a first date more interesting was to switch up my questions. Here are some examples of questions you may have asked or have been asked, and what I think you could ask instead to make a first date more enjoyable:

Generic Question: How many brothers or sisters do you have?

Better Question: If you have any siblings, tell me about one of the funniest moments you remember with them?

Generic Question: What do you do for a living?

Better Question: What’s the favorite part of your job?

Generic Question: Where did you go to college?

Better Question: What did you major in college, and if you could have changed your major and done something else, what would it be and why?

Generic Question: What are some of your hobbies?

Better Question: Which hobby do you prefer the most, and why do you like it so much?

Generic Question: Do you have any pets?

Better Question: If your pet could talk, what are some of the things you think it would say to you?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite food?

Better Question: What was the last thing you cooked, and why did you enjoy preparing it?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite movie?

Better Question: What were some of the last few movies you watched, and did any of them move you at all?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite band?

Better Question: If you could listen to any band dead or alive right now, which would it be and why?

Generic Question: Where are some of the places you’ve traveled to?

Better Question: Tell me about the most memorable moment you’ve ever had in a foreign country.

Generic Question: Are you close to your parents?

Better Question: Tell me about something about growing up with your parents that you remember vividly, funny, sad, or just a cool moment.

Generic Question: What do you do in your free time?

Better Question: When you have free time, what do you usually do more: relax, read, listen to music, watch movies, engage in culture, seek out adventure, or all of the above?

10-Questions-Not-To-Ask-Me-On-A-Date

I can go on and on with these generic questions that don’t get to the core of what will show if there is a match. Personality and chemistry reign supreme, but these generic questions don’t target those characteristics. So hopefully my “Better questions” will help those of you who are going on yet another first date.   When you ask someone these questions, take extra care to look at their facial expressions, so you can see how they got surprised and/or intrigued by your question.

I think these questions will give you more of where the person is coming from.  Whether or not they are creative, funny, or if they can think on the spot.  Plus, based on the answers, you might find that their personality is a lot like yours if they choose some of the same answers you would choose. Of course it’s only fair that you answer them also, so make sure you thought your answers through. In the end, this would be a much better way to get to know someone in my opinion while walking in a park with a coffee or an ice cream in hand.

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How to Navigate Through the Vast Ocean of Love

08 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by in college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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I’m sure that if you’re single, you will agree that you’re sick of hearing “When you find the one, you will just know.  You won’t question it anymore, you will just stop asking yourself if this is who you are supposed to be with.” I’m not going to lie, I was one of the single people out there who thought that this saying might be B.S.!  Yet even I was skeptical that I would ever meet anyone online. It seemed like it was an endless pool of sharks and I was just a starfish sinking to the bottomless sea of the unknown.  Just a mysterious, endless, lonely ocean of nothing.

I read a long time ago that in Christian symbolism, the starfish represents the Virgin Mary (Stella Maris which means Star of the Sea), who creates safe travel over troubled waters and is also seen as an emblem of salvation during trying times. The star as well as the starfish are seen as celestial symbols and as such, they represent infinite divine love. In addition to love, the starfish also holds characteristics such as guidance, vigilance, inspiration, brilliance and intuition. If a starfish is injured and its tentacles are removed, they grow back making them immortal.  They have fascinated me since the first time my mother gave me one as a pet for my birthday.

At first, during my search for love I was oblivious like anyone else.   I would see an attractive picture and email back and forth with men that were obviously nothing like me and had nothing in common with me.  I was being shallow. I usually went for someone who was emotionally unavailable or someone who lived far away, or who was mysterious, or showed signs of being taken. I was avoiding commitment and I didn’t even know I was doing it. I was making mistakes and learning the hard way.  Each day that went by I lost more and more hope.  Did I even deserve to have someone special in my life?  I was in seven weddings and watched my girlfriends go on honeymoons, have babies, and buy houses.  Meanwhile, I was going to bed alone night after night, and each day my job (I was a matchmaker) was to tell people how to be patient and that love does exist.

One thing my job did teach me during this journey was a lot about research and statistics on singles and online dating. So I started to learn trends and what drove people to choose one person over another users profile. I learned online lingo, how to choose the best profile pictures, and how to make an appealing first impression by video. I read and watched thousands of profiles, looked at probably a million people that sounded exactly the same.  But how could everyone be the same?!  I was becoming an expert on online dating profiles and platforms. I even sat on panels and had shows about the topics. Then I went on a hundred bad dates. I really started using what I learned and my dates actually started to get better and started lasting past two or three dates.  But I was still alone and not feeling the ultimate connection.  I was getting no sort of real commitment.

The truth is, no matter what expert data you have and learn or analytics on dating trends and skills its still up to timing, fate, luck, and the universe. So long story short I actually found him and I just knew like people said I would! He is the most amazing, kindhearted man I have ever met.  He is just like me and we could have fun throwing rocks, or talking for hours.  We have a lot in common and I feel like he was made just for me.  Like I created him in my mind or something.  Sometimes I wonder if he’s even human. Well here is what I did:

1. Pray – I’m not super religious but on those lonely nights when I was lying in bed with tears in my eyes I would pray that God would help me or lead me in the right direction to find someone who had a heart like mine.

2.Clean out the closet – I got rid of my past just a couple days before I met him.  I said my final goodbyes to people who had wasted my time or had been unemotionally available. I wanted a game free environment for anyone coming in.

3. Stop going on dates/research – I used to go on a date if someone asked me and they looked decent or had an interesting job.  But now before I went on any date I took it more serious.  I would review their profiles then text as many important vital questions. I did my research.  I would check out their LinkedIn, Facebook, and any online presence, have video chats, etc. Its amazing what you can learn about a person when they are not putting on a facade to lure you in to go on a date with them.

4. I did the picking and choosing – Usually a man would approach me online, ask me out and that’s how the courtship began. But this time I refused to talk to anyone that emailed me or sent me a wink.  I wanted the men that were not interested and I wanted to find out why.  So I was now the one sending the first emails and my decision was based on how they responded back.  What I found during my investigation was the most unusual finding.  I found my guy on the first try using my new approach. I didn’t know it would happen that fast but it did and I’m ecstatic.  I found ten things I liked about him and listed them kind of like I would list on a PowerPoint for investors and sent it to him. Here is what I like about you, here is what I want, here is what I offer, do you want to meet? At first he wanted to meet for a drink like any other date but then he texted me back and said he would rather play miniature golf.  I knew this was going to be different.

5.Vulnerable/Honesty – I went into this wholeheartedly.  Yes I was hurt in the past, but I had nothing to lose.  I was already alone. I was honest with him like I would be with any of my best friends or family members. I was very vulnerable.  I always go for the unavailable guys.  He was different.  He was showing that he was available.  I gave him my trust. I remember one of our first few dates he told me to get dressed up and I had no clue where we were going but I let him surprise me.  I didn’t have to know everything.  I didn’t have to know all the answers or where we were going as long as it was together.  This was new to me.

I wasn’t alone anymore, I found another starfish in the sea to float through the great big ocean. Maybe it’s not about what you think is supposed to happen but it’s about taking what’s missing in your heart more serious.  After you do this then you will let timing, fate, karma, and serendipity come into play. Don’t ever give up hope.  There is absolutely someone for everyone.

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Why Two Lovers aren’t Better than One

21 Thursday May 2015

Posted by in friendships, Love at first sight, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, women seeking men

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Threesome

I know you’re sitting there asking yourself (or asking me)  Um,  doesn’t 1+1=2? And before I answer,  no I didn’t fail math, I promise. But in some cases,  1 simply is a greater number.   Let’s get this right out in the open,  I am not opposed to playing the field or casual dating/open relationships.  As long as honesty is involved.  But, in the case of what I call,  partner hoarding,  I’m completely opposed.

If you are starting to date someone,  and it’s becoming serious,  the question becomes,  when and how do you tell your other suitors goodbye.  Or more importantly, when in your new romances,  do you stop looking for eligible bachelor’s? There isn’t an exact science for when it’s time to delete those dating apps or tell those Snapchat buddies no more sexting (is that still a thing?)

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I came upon this type of predicament recently,  when my recent paramour, we’ll call him The Magician,  disappeared, like smoke, without a word,  and I had to ask myself,  am I supposed to date again?  Do I wait?  And how honest is too honest for a new potential suitor before it sends them packing? Do I verbal vomit that my most recent eligible bachelor just up and vanished? What the hell does that say about me?!

In my experience,  for my own self preservation,  I play things pretty close to the chest,  I always have, I don’t show my hand till I think I found someone worthy of knowing more in general.  Not everyone feels this way,  it’s simply a matter of choice.  But recently,  having just had a very short lived, whirlwind roller-coaster romance, which seemed to be headed towards disaster,  I flirted with someone else, very casually without any intentions.  I wasn’t up front with them about what else I had going on,  given I wasn’t even sure what ground I stood on, if it was on or off (turns out it was both on and off again!  Dizzy yet?)  I wasn’t up front because I wasn’t sure there was a point to opening a book about something that seemed closed,  and I didn’t want to start a fire when there wasn’t any need to burn the forest down.

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My best friend warned me “this guy is flirting with you, he’s interested and you need to pay attention” and I brushed it off,  thinking,  “it’s not that serious, he won’t care that I have an on again off again thing and besides…we’re just flirting.”  But what if that was reversed?  How do I feel when someone isn’t honest with me?  The answer is hurt.  And pissed. So pissed. When my Magician again showed back up,  I thought “See,  OK, this is why I waited and I can explain this at some point to Mr. Flirty because well,  we’re really just friends who say somewhat colored things to each other once in a while with no intentions.”  Until once again, The Magician disappeared, and I thought, who’s the fool here?  Me for playing with fire by stringing someone along and being dishonest,  while I wait for someone to show up and stay committed, who clearly can’t.  Or blowing off the chance with someone who wants to spend time with me.

Don’t be me.  I thought about why I had never said a word to Mr. Flirty, maybe because I liked the attention,  maybe because I sort of knew Mr. Magician would vanish again and there would be no point.  Maybe because I didn’t want to lose either one just yet.  But no answer is acceptable.  Don’t hoard lovers out of fear of losing one,  because in the end you’ll lose them all.  Hold onto the one who will treat you well,  even if it doesn’t work out,  and if neither is that, then 1 still is the greater number.  You.

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10 Tips to Heal Your Heart After Divorce

18 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, love, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, women seeking men

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Falling-out-of-love

Imagine you have the chance to start over and create the life that you’ve always wanted. When you are single again you can make your dream life a reality.  Your mulligan (do over) may not be the way you planned or imagined, but you have been given the gift to go forward and create the life you want.

The first healthy relationship you need to have is with yourself.  When you have healed your heart and start having a better relationship with yourself, your entire attitude toward life and the vision you have of your dream partner will synchronize.  With ample healing, I can clearly see that the partners I once saw as “possibilities” are now “non-contenders”.

How-to-Heal-a-Broken-Heart1

Here are 10 tips to jump start your healing to create an amazing life:

1. BE HAPPY: Forgiving yourself promotes healing.  Yes, you’re single again.  It as a second chance to have the life you’ve always wanted.  Want to redecorate? Dreamed of having a gorgeous wardrobe?  Always wanted to be a fantastic cook? Yes, you can have it all! Create the life you want. You have permission to be happy!

2. BE POSITIVE: Make a list of all your great qualities and why you are awesome.  Recite it every night and morning until you smile.  Positive self-talk is powerful! Happiness is for the taking.  Go grab a slice!

3. BE HEALTHY: Start slowly by eating more fruits and veggies.  Since you’re probably experiencing a lot of stress, now is a great time to take better care of your health.  This also includes skin care, hair care, etc.  You deserve to feel fabulous and it will lift your spirits!

4. BE SMART: I could write a book about all the advice I received (both good and bad) when I was first single.  One person actually told me that I just needed to, “go out and have some sex.”  Um, no.  Always, consider the source.  Regardless of their intention, you DO NOT need to take anyone’s advice.  You are creating YOUR NEW LIFE, drama free.  Be respectful but do not be afraid to say, “No thank you.”  Regain your confidence by making smart choices.

5. BE PATIENT: When you are healing, you should take all the time in the world until you feel confident enough to jump back into the dating scene again.  This might take the rest of your life, and that’s okay.  You shouldn’t feel like you are pressured into being with somebody just because you are single.  Having the support of friends and family will help cope with your feeling of loneliness.  Just be patient, and fate will take care of the rest.

6. BE INTERESTING: I know a guy who boasts about how he only watches TV and never really likes to go anywhere.  He says he’s, “a homebody”.  It was a very short lived (and extremely awkward) conversation.  Read interesting books. Have a hobby.  Take up a new activity. Join a club. This will help you heal because you are living life and not sitting around waiting for life to come to you.

7. BE FLIRTY: Ever see the Friends episode where “Ross Can’t Flirt”? You should bring back that little spark to your day (not at work!).  It may take some practice but it will help you heal by being more open with people and will help build your confidence.

8. BE ACTIVE: A solo walk in the park, or in the neighborhood during daylight hours (safety first, of course) will help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.  Use this time to really think about and plan the life you’re creating.  I have walked many, many miles by the river and gained so much clarity during this solitude.  A rigorous workout at the gym is great for releasing those endorphin’s for a mood boost.

9. BE AUTHENTIC: Part of healing is being honest with yourself and others.  You don’t need to reveal every secret.  Being true to yourself will help you understand yourself better and will lead you to seek a compatible partner.

10. BE FREE: Enjoy life to its fullest.  This is your chance.  Take it!

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If You Love Someone, Don’t Let Them Know

15 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, marriage, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Video dating, women seeking men

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A guy I have known only a few weeks told me he loves me.  While we were on the phone, he told his friend that he was talking to the woman who might be his wife. Whoa… I just spent 6 years in divorce court.  Marriage talk… Not exactly a winning strategy with me.

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He talks about how we will make a great team and offered me housing.  He says he has spent the past 15 years looking for someone like me.  We haven’t even kissed. He is a really nice person.  I enjoy talking to him.  He’d make a kick ass business partner. But, he needs a dating coach.  He is going about finding love all wrong.

In theory you should be able to stop the game playing and tell someone you like, that you like them right away. In reality, however, you need to follow the following rules…

1.  Play hard to get.

2.  Never put all your eggs in one basket… Do not focus on one person.  Date lots of people.  Don’t stop dating lots of people until someone you want to be in a relationship with is falling in love with you.

3.  Exercise.  If you are a guy, do not assume money alone will get you laid.  Both sexes care a lot about how you look naked.  The better you look, the easier dating becomes.

4.  Do not tell someone you are attracted to them.  Keep them guessing about whether or not you have the hots for them.

5.  Do not call a new person often.  We are back to Rule number 1.  Do not call too often because you need to play hard to get.

Sorry I did not make this funny.  I have a migraine.  But, while it isn’t funny, it is the best advice anyone could give you.  Memorize those rules.

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Why Dating is like the Lottery

30 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, friendships, Home, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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It’s human nature to think you will beat the odds.  That is why so many people buy lottery tickets.  It is also why people sign up for The Bachelor.  Every contestant thinks they have a good chance of ending up on a mountain top with The Bachelor on his knee offering a lifetime of connubial bliss.

The 24/25 (I think those are the odds) chance of being rejected on TV while millions watch doesn’t seem to register.  Every time the person who doesn’t get the rose seems shocked they got rejected, I want to knock some sense into their head.  When you give yourself a 96% chance of getting rejected, expect rejection.  Why are you crying in the back seat of some car?  I feel no sympathy.  Of course, I also have a hard time feeling sorry for gorgeous singles in their twenties.

While I think The Bachelor contestants are moronic for expecting to beat the overwhelming odds against them, I made a similar mistake in my last relationship.  A mistake you can learn from. This boyfriend had never been dumped.  He’d been in plenty of long term relationships and even a 9 year marriage, but he was always the one who bailed.

While we were together, I had that same “magical” thinking that you see on The Bachelor.  I knew he’d dumped lots of women.  Statistically my chances of getting rejected are astronomical.  But I’m special.  I have something those other girls lacked. That was my moronic thinking. Needless to say, I got dumped.  By that time, I didn’t care that much.  I had a crush on someone else.  This boyfriend had been awful to deal with. There was no communication, but what I think happened was that he sensed my roving eye and got out before I could hurt him.  In hindsight, I can say that was his MO.  He’d never gotten rejected because he bailed first to avoid the heart break and humiliation.

The lessons to be learned are that if you don’t learn from your paramour’s history, it repeats itself.  If a guy has a track record of dumping lots of people, you are setting yourself up for a dumping.  Hit the road and stay far, far away.  You are special, but that does not mean when a person’s past proves they suck at relationships that your relationship with them won’t suck too.  It will.

I got no closure from my last relationship, until last week. It ended with no warning.  I knew he had never been dumped.  He’d left every relationship he’d ever been in. That should have made me wary. An important clue to where your relationship is going is where your ex’s relationships have gone.

But, I learned something about gambling that applies.  It is human nature to think you will beat the odds.  That is why people buy lottery tickets.  While chances of winning are next to nothing, people buy the tickets because they think might win.

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7 Signs Your New Prospect is Playing Games

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in About, college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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There’s a big game going around the internet, and if you’re innocent like me you may have been played once or twice. Half the people you meet online have other people on the side or a slew of others on the back burner. I never used the internet to meet people until I started researching different websites for my own app. There were a few apps I just stayed away from because I knew they were bad news and I wasn’t looking for a one night stand. I was looking for a serious relationship and I made this very clear in my profiles. But after one failure after another I realized online profiles don’t work, they are just a bunch of the words that paint a picture to lure you in.  Marketing yourself at your best. Is dating really a job interview?

I was once approached online by a very confident man who boasted about his prestigious job and how much money his family had. He was not only boasting but he was telling me how great I was and blowing up my head and my phone for days on end. The problem was that I was not attracted to him at all. So after his constant emails, texts, and compliments galore…I gave in. After our date, he was really acting like he was all about me to the point I thought it was a little too much.

But some signs were showing, his words were just words and when I called his bluff he turned the situation around on me, calling me insecure and needy.  He made me feel like I was the problem. I don’t want this happening to others.  The game is nasty and will have you feeling defeated. So here are some signs these guys/gals are all talk and just professional serial daters:

1.They are eager to talk about the future: house, kids, wedding , they seem in a rush and make all these great romantic plans yet they don’t even know your middle name.

2.They tell you to take your online profile down: yet they don’t take their’s down. They get weird about adding you to facebook or social media feeds. They get upset if you tag them in pictures without their permission. This is because they have something  to hide. And I think every fifth person you know, knows someone you know so they might get caught.

3.They want to talk to you all the time at first and they are so comfortable: Honestly that kind of comfort is a professional online dater. When you really like someone there’s always a little shyness at first until you warm up.

4.When you finally show interest they back off so quick: You won’t know where they went.  Poof – gone! My best friend always said,”If they are hot and heavy that means they are never ready.”

5.They are usually fast talkers: They always have something going on.  They either get back to you right that second or hours later with excuses why it took them so long. Top three excuses: (1)Something with Work (2) Their phone battery was dead. (3)With friends or family.  Funny part is you know they are lying because most dating apps show when you were last logged in.  So if you were so busy, how did you have time to search for other girl/guys?

6.They never say anything imperfect about themselves:  A man or a woman who doesn’t make mistakes or doesn’t have any flaws cannot be trusted.

7. Call them out:  On their BS, and watch what happens.  That sweet guy/gal gets nasty real fast.  You interrupted the game and they don’t like losing a turn. As quick as they wanted to sweep you off your feet they will pull that rug from under you and won’t help you back up.

Hope this helps if you are online and see any of these signs welcome to the game.

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