How Compassionate Love and Slow Sex Leads to a Better Marriage

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It has been observed from the study of a sample of 5,000 resident Americans that the major reason for break-ups and divorce in relationships and marriages is the lack of compassionate love for each other. If you don’t have hot, compassionate love for your partner, your relationship is going down the drain.

As it said, hooking up is an uncommitted, sexual encounter between two people who are not currently in a romantic relationship with one another. Hooking up seems reckless. Definitely those who engage in one-night stands are risking sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancy, and emotional trauma. Nevertheless, a psychological research in 2014 revealed that over 66 percent of single men and 50 percent of single women reported that they had engaged in a one-night stand—and these numbers have been fluctuating over the past four years. The question now is—Why do people have sex with someone they hardly know?

Perhaps you learn a lot about a person between the sheets. You might even jump-start a real relationship: Any stimulus of the genitals promotes dopamine activity, which can potentially push you over the threshold into falling in love.

Close relationship researchers have proved that couples who live together as a couple before marriage (and are not engaged) are more likely to experience a divorce or, if they remain together, they may experience poor marital quality otherwise known as “an unhappy marriage”. The “cohabitation effect,” occurs because many couples living together before getting engaged or married, slide into marriage through a process of apathy. Rather than critically evaluating whether the relationship is right for them, they make the decision to marry out of factors such as convenience, wealth, temporal peace and the sex.

There was an online study of nearly 600 married and cohabitating couples in which the female partner was less than 45 years old. In the study the following were considered; sexual satisfaction, communication, and conflict. The respondents of the study indicated their relationship tempo by saying how long the couple waited, after they started dating, to have sex. They tried to control a number of other important variables such as age, number of previous marriages, children, education, income, and financial strain. The researchers later compared the quality of the relationships of couples who waited less than a month, 1-6 months, and 6 months or more before having sex. The findings of the research supported the hypothesis that having sex early (defined here as within a month of dating) in a relationship was related to an unhealthy relationship outcomes for men and women. These four additional findings flesh out that overall conclusion and point to some sex differences as well:

1. Couples tend to move quickly into sexual relationships.

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Over one-third of the respondents reported that they started having sex within one month after they started dating. Other research studies have shown that a lot of people indulge in sex after the first date. The research shows that moving quickly into sexual relationships with your partner does not strengthen your marriage or relationship. You should give yourselves time to understand and do the findings on each other before having sex with one another.

  1. The slower the sex, the better the relationship.

For women, the longer the delay between dating and sex gives the lady a better perception of the current relationship quality. Slowing things down for women meant paying much more attention to other factors that would ultimately improve the relationship such as commitment and emotional intimacy. The longer you delay having sex with your partner in a relationship, the better your chances of understanding such a partner and also better chances of having a long-lasting relationship or marriage.

  1. Early sexual activity symbolized relationship commitment.

Again for the ladies, having sex early in the scheme of things signified to them that their partner was committed to the relationship but it might not be so depending on who your partner is. If your partner is a toxic partner and desires to take advantage of you, having sex will not mean anything to him or her.

  1. Entry into cohabitation accounted for the negative effect of relationship tempo on quality.

Couples who had sex in the early stages of their relationship were more likely to decide to live together and, in turn, had less satisfying and unhealthy relationships. Having sex early in a relationship, followed by cohabitation, allows women to be less satisfied with the sex they’re having now with their partner.

In conclusion, research findings suggest that early sexual relationship in the dating relationship has different impact on the satisfaction levels of women later on. It also proves that slow sex and easy love leads to a long-term relationship/marriage.

Author Bio:- Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.

The Best Ways to Revive Romance in your Marriage  

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Romance may take a backseat after several years of being married. As your roles and responsibilities grow, you and your spouse may have less time together. Because of the need to get work done, to pay the bills, to finish chores and to care for the kids, sitting down for a romantic dinner and trying to win your heart may not be top priority for your husband anymore. This can be quite frustrating, because women have the need for emotional intimacy, and men sometimes forget that. It may be up to the wife to rekindle the romance in her husband’s heart.

Define Romance

You have to understand that men and women have their own perception of what romance is. Romance to a wife is hoping her husband would give her flowers and chocolates or take her out on a date just like they did before. But to a husband, romance could simply be a playful cuddle or by making love to her whenever they get the chance to be alone. Try to recognize when he is being romantic in his own way and appreciate that. If he sees that you like the things he does for you, he will do it more often.

Have Realistic Expectations

If you expect things in your marriage to be as romantic as they were when you were dating, then you are not being realistic. You will only end up being frustrated and disappointed with your husband all the time. Remember that change is part of your journey as a couple. You and your husband have to be creative and flexible in finding ways to squeeze in romance to your busy schedules.

It Starts with You

Husbands begin to doubt themselves, when you have not been sweet to each other for some time or you may have rejected his sexual advances before. He may become unsure whether you want him to get close to you or not. To clear all his doubts and inhibitions, you have to be the one to romance him first. When he sees you are in the mood for love, he will surely catch on.

Always Be His Beautiful Wife

Men are naturally visual creatures. Always make an effort to look and smell good.. Every moment with him is your chance to tease and seduce him. Wear sexy clothes and smile more often. You will notice that your husband will be a little more playful and sweet to you.

Tell Him What You Want

Communication is important in letting your man know what you expect from your relationship. Lovingly share with him how you want things to be. He would definitely be glad to hear that you still want some romantic alone time with him even after being married for some time.

Make Time To Be Alone With Him

Schedule at least one day in a week to spend time alone with your man. Let him know that it is your date night and that you are in the mood for some romance. If you do this regularly, he will look forward to this day and come up with romantic ways to surprise you and make each date night special.

Be More Positive

To put your husband in a loving and playful mood, you have to be cheerful and inviting too. Avoid complaining or talking about things that worry you or irritate you. Negativity will only put him in a bad mood. He has had his share of stressful events with his whole day at work. So when he gets home, find some funny or nice stories to talk about. Be the one that makes him smile at the end of the day and he will appreciate you more.

Appreciate Him

Lastly, men like it when they are appreciated by their wives. Tell him when he does something that you really like. Compliment him when he looks good. Kiss him when he says something nice to you. Try to recognize your husband’s efforts to get close to you and his own ways of showing that he cares for you. Let him know that you appreciate these gestures. This encourages him to be more romantic.

***This was a guest post by special guest Sylvia Smith***

Author Bio: Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy, happy marriages. Follow her on FacebookTwitterStumbleUpon, Google+ and Pinterest.

What being 40 and single is like today

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So I recently turned 40 years old. For most people that is a milestone, for me it’s just another year. I say this because I find myself single at 40 years old. I’ve been dating pretty much my entire life, and never found what most people call a soulmate. There were a few women out there who I dated, and found a really nice connection with, but I guess they didn’t feel the same way.

Nowadays, with convenience and hook up apps, singles have so many options, they don’t want to settle for somebody when they think there is somebody right around the corner. This puts me in a pretty tight predicament. Thankfully, I enjoy my current lifestyle, my freedom, and the ability to meet new people on a regular basis. But I still have this burning question: Will I ever meet a partner in life?

I don’t know the answer.  But I will keep swiping left or right until I meet somebody who answers that question for me.

What’s it like being single at 40 you might ask? Well for one thing, pretty much all of my friends are married (or divorced) with children. The ones who are single, don’t show any sign of wanting to be married. Probably for the same reason that I’m single. Also, at 40 years old, it’s also harder to make new friends. It’s almost as if I go on dates in order to meet new people just to make new friends. It’s not like it was in the playground as a kid.  People have too many routines and responsibilities to sacrifice their time to hang out as friends it seems.

So I’ve come to accept my independence, and have learned how to enjoy life without a significant other. I have a wonderful career, a really awesome dog, great friends and family, and the ability to meet new people on a regular basis. With millennial’s showing no signs of wanting to settle down, get jobs, or become active members of society, the question I have now is, how many millennial’s are going to be single at 40? Probably a ton.

Then I ask myself, if I could go back in time and choose one of my girlfriends from my earlier days, would I? The truth is, I see them on the Internet, and social media, and I see their lives, who they are married to, their kids, their jobs, and their happiness or unhappiness. And the answer is, out of all the girlfriends I’ve had in my life, I can’t say that I would have chosen any of them to be my wife today. I would not be happy with them mostly because most of them are not happy with themselves. I don’t want to be with somebody who is miserable all the time, since I am a very happy and positive individual.

Maybe what being 40 and single really means is being comfortable and happy in your own skin. At least that’s how I feel. Maybe one day I’ll meet somebody who is happy and comfortable in their own skin, and we can form a relationship. Until that day, I will keep enjoying what life has to offer every second of every day.

The Future of Dating is Video and Here’s Why

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In the 1980s and 1990s, video dating was actually pretty popular. People would record videos with their camcorders at an office of a matchmaking company. Then singles would come in and watch the videos one by one and choose someone who they wanted to go on a date with. Speed dating was also pretty popular because you could meet anywhere between 10 to 50 people in one night and decide again, who you wanted to go on a date with face-to-face.

Fast forward 10 to 20 years, and dating has turned into either a swipe left or a swipe right to find your next fling. Even though Tinder and other apps have made online dating a lot more popular, it took a long time to get to that point. Just three years ago when I first started building my own video dating app, only 15% of singles worldwide were using dating apps. Thanks to Tinder and other apps like OkCupid, Coffee meets bagel, Hinge, and others, online dating apps are now used by almost 50% of singles.

It takes time for a barrier to come down, whether religion, race, or the stigma of dating online. For some reason, people just never felt comfortable putting their personalities and pictures online and meeting each other in a virtual world. But now that it is more commonplace, people are comfortable, and they are meeting at a record pace. The question is, what is the next evolution now that the walls have been broken down to the world of online dating?

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Video. Real-time video. That is where dating is headed. And here’s a few reasons why:

  1. People are tired of getting catfished. Everyone knows that photos are usually made to look better, make up is used, and good angles are prominent. But when you meet that person in real life, they are rarely like their online persona, both in looks and personality.  Videos will change that.
  1. Vine, Instagram, Periscope, YouTube, Snapchat, and other apps are making video more and more ubiquitous across the board. People are getting used to showcasing their lives using video. What better way to get to know people on a dating app except for video?
  1. Every evolution takes time to take hold, the online dating revolution took 10 to 20 years to take hold. Video might take another 10 years. But we are ahead of the game, and have been here for years.
  1. Investors are always looking for the next big thing, whereas today they may not see how big a market video dating is, one day they will, mark my words. When that happens, it will explode.
  1. Single parents would rather have 20 bad dates from the comfort of their home while the kids are playing in the other room, rather than getting ready, spending money and time, to have one bad date in person.
  1. On the other hand, singles could have a really good date using a video dating app, and then feel more comfortable in person when they finally meet instead of having that awkward 21 questions, uncomfortable silence, and just the weird first date vibes.

Overall, video dating is the best way to find out if you have chemistry with a potential single person, before meeting in person. This will cause a shift in online dating to the point where there will be a lot less bad dates, less catfishing, and more relationship building.  Having video chats and sending video messages prior to meeting in person will help establish some sort of foundation. Only time will tell to see when this massive movement will start to emerge. In the meantime, we are here, we are ready, and we are all about real-time video.

Netflix and Chill: The Truth Unraveled

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Dating used to be something out of the movies.  You would pick up a girl at her house with flowers, drive her to a restaurant and a movie, give her a goodnight kiss, and then talk on the phone for hours until seeing each other once again.  Nowadays if you have a date like this it’s probably because you woke up and realized it was just a dream. When the Internet was invented, and companies started coming out left and right to exploit its power, Netflix was one of those companies. Nobody realized how big and convenient it would become, but it has.

In the age of millenials, when two people are dating, a typical night together is watching movies on Netflix (or scrolling through choices endlessly), and ordering takeout. This seems to be the norm nowadays because it’s easy, relaxing, cheap, and you get to know someone without too many distractions. Women seem to think that a “Netflix and Chill” date means the guy is looking for sex. Well that’s just plain ridiculous.  Guys are looking for sex regardless of what you are doing, whether at a restaurant, a movie, a show, or a bar.  Guys think about sex quite often no matter what ladies, so just get the Netflix/takeout sex thoughts out of your head.

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The cool thing about watching Netflix and ordering takeout is how comfortable you can both feel knowing that you don’t have a waiter in your face every two seconds, you won’t be uncomfortable in a movie theater (most seats suck!) with noisy people around you (chomping popcorn or texting on their phones), you don’t have to deal with traffic and parking, and you can talk to each other without people overhearing your conversations. Don’t forget you can drink whatever alcohol you want, listen to whatever music you want, watch whatever movie you want, in the privacy of your own home (with your pet), use your clean bathroom (unless you’re a slob), and have access to everything that is convenient.

At this point I don’t really know anybody who doesn’t watch Netflix and Chill, it’s so rare nowadays. The truth is, if I add up all the times that I watched Netflix and ordered takeout with a girl where we just hung out and didn’t have sex versus the times that we did have sex: The “no sex nights” would win hands down.  So therefore that theory is completely crushed. Game over!

The 50-50 Rule of Serial dating

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I recently engaged in a conversation with someone online regarding the topic of serial dating. This woman claimed that all men are serial daters and that it’s impossible to truly be in a relationship with a man because he’s constantly going on dates with new women. Ironically, my response to that statement was that I felt the same way about women.

I happen to have a lot of female friends, and when I see them juggling 20 guys on their phone, that makes me wonder who is really the serial dater here, guys, or girls.  Most likely it’s both. But I also think that this is a question of context. There are guys out there like me, who truly are looking for one person to be in a relationship with. The issue falls down to the 50-50 rule. What I mean by that is, the luck of being in a relationship with someone, or just meeting someone who likes you as much as you like them. You have a 50-50 chance at it.

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When you first go on a date with someone, you might hit it off and really like each other, or so you think. You might never hear back from that person again for a second date, even though you thought you had a good time, but they didn’t, or they didn’t find you attractive, or they didn’t like your personality. Either way, it works both ways, and you have a 50-50 chance of it working out. If you ask me, I think those are pretty poor chances. So unfortunately, with the advent of dating apps like Tinder, people are just a swipe away from another date and another roll of the dice to get that 50-50 chance. It just so happens that nowadays, people are going on dates a heck of a lot more than they used to 10 years ago.

I don’t think it’s a question of serial dating, I think it’s the convenience of having access to a plethora of matches and being able to truly weed through as many people as possible until you give yourself the best chance at finding someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. If you think that guys are serial dating, maybe it’s that they just don’t like you, as harsh as that sounds, it’s probably true. There have been times I’ve been on a date with a girl, or I even dated them for a few weeks, and then I just found myself not interested in them, and I didn’t see a future with them. Wouldn’t it be smarter to cut it short rather than drag it out?

It’s not like I’m dating multiple women at the same time, when I do meet someone I like, I focus on only that girl and stop talking to other women altogether. But until I meet that woman who I want to focus my time and energy on, yes, I will continue to date in order to try to meet someone who I can spend time with. Isn’t that what dating is ultimately?  The next time you think someone is a serial dater, truly look at the situation, the relationship, and figure out if you are a real good match for this person, because if you’re not, there’s your answer.

Why the Ashley Madison Hack is a Victory for Online Dating

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I have two words for the people behind the Ashley Madison hack: Thank You
Everything Ashley Madison stands for goes against what online dating actually is. If you are married or in a committed relationship, you should be focusing on the relationship, not going on a sleazy website looking for your next fling. Online dating is about meeting new people, finding a partner, starting a relationship, and hopefully…your happy ever after.
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When I first heard that the Ashley Madison website was hacked, I thought to myself, ‘Finally some hackers who found something worthy of hacking and not destroying our precious world with their code skills.’ Online dating is a very explosive market right now, with Tinder leading the charge, but when you have Ashley Madison come in and rip apart relationships, even though it fuels the online dating market because people are single again, it puts a damper on the industry as a whole and gives online dating a bad name.
Do I think hacking is moral? Definitely not. I feel as though hacking should be strictly used to support the government and security of our world, not to bring down big corporations on a whim. In the case of Ashley Madison, I can safely say that they were asking for it. Thank you hackers, thank you from the bottom of my heart for making online dating a fun place to meet new people once again.

Temptation and the Big, Bad, Wolf

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Sometimes I feel like Little Red Riding Hood.  She goes for a stroll to grandmother’s house in the woods before dark knowing its ominous, knowing shes alone.  Yet she skips through the woods oblivious to the dangers that hide in the wooded forest. Not only does she run into the big, bad, wolf but she actually is in denial of what he really is.   Always keeping her childlike innocence the entire time, naive to the beast that lurks in front of her.

“Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!”  “All the better to hear you with.”

“Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!” “All the better to see you with.”

“Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!” “All the better to grab you with!”

“Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!” “All the better to eat you with!”

Is this what temptation is? Do we sometimes live in denial? Did Red Riding Hood know the wolf was a wolf in her grandmother’s night gown but needed an adrenaline rush? I feel like we all know the right thing to do.  We all know what we want in life, we know  who is right and wrong for us. We know when we are being fooled or used but sometimes we need the big, bad, wolf to put us in our place.  There is a saying I really like,”you cannot feel high if you haven’t been low”. The wolf ate her grandmother and almost ate RED but she escapes.  What a rush she must of felt to have a second chance.  What am I even talking about you may be asking.  I’m talking about temptation.  What is the definition of temptation?  After you read it out loud you may understand better.

Temptation is a fundamental desire to engage in short-term urges for enjoyment, that threatens long-term goals.

So was little Red Riding Hood trying to seek a thrill knowing that if it were really a wolf she may not live until tomorrow because he may eat her?  Do people who get tempted do it on purpose or a deeper need itching within?  Do they do it to feel something when they are numb?   Have they been just going with the day to day emotions? Think about this: What if you were so numb and you wanted to just feel something electric in your body one final push off the cliff that would make you feel alive again so you could keep going…would you walk in the woods?

We all have burning desires.  Some of us drive fast, some cheat, some get tattoos, some party, some jump out of planes, some gamble, some travel, and some have dark secrets we may never know of.  We are all the same, no one is perfect, that is human. I think every once in awhile we just do something out of character to feel alive again when the world is on our shoulders.   We run into the woods, we wear red capes and play with wolves. I don’t know why we do the things we do but we have a reason to want to feel something to awaken it all.  Well I will leave you with one of my favorite lines from the story.

 

 The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Why Sex Compares to Ice Cream

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Let’s talk about sex baby.  As a woman,  it’s still considered taboo for me to say yes,  I like sex,  in fact,  I love it.  It feels good physically,  it makes me feel good mentally (who doesn’t feel more desirable after really amazing sex?!),  it’s good for you (uh hello – a workout without needing a gym membership!) and it’s good for your relationship.

No matter how far the world has come and I’m not claiming to be the loudest, proudest feminist, but world, hi, we’re still very judgmental of women who proudly express their sexuality, and judge and shame them for being loud and proud of their sexual desires and preferences (think, Miley Cyrus).

But let’s have a little chat shall we?  Enough is enough already.   We know that sex is healthy,  it boosts the immune system,  it’s a great workout,  it boosts our mood.   It also improves intimate connections with our lovers. But,  let’s chat about something super important here, good sex,  bad sex and the people we have it with.   Personally,  being a person who craves good sex,  I get bored easily when the sex I’m having is what I call,  plain vanilla,  and from here on out we shall compare sex to ice cream,  because sex comes in so many flavors and we all have the choice to pick the ones we want, Just like ice cream.

 

There’s nothing wrong with plain vanilla,  it’s sweet,  but dull, especially if that’s all you have, every day forever.  And if that’s all I had for the rest of my life,  I’d survive, but be bored to tears.  Currently being unattached means,  I get to decide when,  where, with whom and how I enjoy my ice cream, and all it’s amazing flavors,   and I refuse to be shamed for that. if you’re anything like me, you have that one person who you connect with on every level,  except in the bedroom.

 

I won’t deny,  in my life I’ve had many lovers who there was zero connection with on any level, but it didn’t matter,  the spark, wasn’t there at all.  When you meet that person,  and everything fits, they’re supportive,  make you get those happy butterflies, but as soon as you hit the sheets,  it all falls apart,  and no matter what you try, fail.  For me that person is someone I’ve cared about forever, everything is right when we’re together, we have a million things in common, in fact I could call him my twin,  but no matter how hard we try, something disconnects.  The listening isn’t there,  I go in expecting miracles,  and leave let down, (that’s not to say it’s a miserable experience, it’s just not fireworks) it breaks my heart.   The thing I’m always left wondering is,  why, when I’m attracted to someone so much in all other ways, why is the sex sometimes so vanilla?!  And should we settle for vanilla sex if everything else is great.  I think,  the answer is no, but as always,  for some people,  it may be yes. Sex to me,  is high priority,  I’ve already mentioned I love it,(I have mentioned that right?)and so a great relationship without great sex,  won’t be great,  it will be vanilla.  And this is why.  Women for years,  have been told,  hide your sexuality,  suppress that side of yourself,  so if you entered a relationship and the sex was so so,  well,  OK,  but you should just accept that maybe, that’s normal.   Or even that maybe the problem was you, you frigid hag!  (as if! Trust me,  it’s not you). A good relationship requires food sex,  maybe some like it a little more vanilla than others, but the sparks gotta fly,  both in and out of the bedroom.   The truth is.  Sometimes relationships work and sometimes they dont.  And sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship.

What Pretty Girl Syndrome Feels Like

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I don’t usually think of myself as a pretty girl.  I’m not ugly by any means,  but I’m not someone who stops traffic either.  That being said,  my whole life I’ve suffered with the consequences of what I call “pretty girl syndrome“.

What is this you ask?  I see you rolling your eyes “not another post about how hard life is when your pretty”. No.  This post is about what it’s like to be judged. And how that can affect relationships.   Recently I experienced someone’s insecurities, aimed at me in the form of rage.  I recently moved into a new apartment, and my downstairs neighbor, an insecure older woman who I could tell has been having ongoing marital issues with her husband,  became enraged with me less than two weeks after I moved in.

The first thing I want to point out is how can I tell she has insecurities?  Well,  she never once said hello to me,  looked me in the eye,  or spoke to me,  in two weeks,  despite my attempts at being pleasant and in that time,  I had full conversations with all of my other neighbors,  including many down the street.  I’m very approachable and friendly.  Secondly,  in the same two weeks,  I heard her have multiple screaming matches with her husband which is also how I could tell they were having issues in their relationship.  Minding my business I spoke only of apartment related issues and only very briefly with her husband.  However,  very late one night,  this woman banged on my door,  and proceeded to scream at me,  and in fact,  damaged property of mine,  and eventually ended up arrested and charged with charges of assault and criminal mischief and property damage.

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This is where “pretty girl syndrome” comes in.   This woman,  struggling with insecurities,  saw me,  judged me,  and raged out on me, for being “pretty”. Too pretty to be single and living next door the husband she’s having marital struggles with.  In this case,  I did nothing wrong,  but in the midst of a mental crisis this woman got herself arrested (attacking a police officer didn’t help her case). This is not the first time I’ve been judged for being too pretty or too “something”.  Countless times it was assumed I’m sleeping with my male friends,  or they must be “in love with me” in order to hang out with me,  because we can’t be just friends.

In college I was told by a guy he couldn’t tell his girlfriend we were having lunch because my name was “too sexy and she would assume the worst”. MY NAME!  so you would rather lie completely than tell the truth?!  Getting judged only makes me judge myself more,  I end up taking on blame for things I didn’t do.  Apologize for things that aren’t my fault.  I’m sorry my parents picked a sexy sounding name?  I’m sorry you’re so insecure you threw bleach at me because you think your husband can’t keep it in his pants,  but did you stop to think that I might have a say in that?  Why am I apologizing for being judged?  Why do I feel like I should suddenly be unpretty to make you feel better?

So how does this affect my relationships,  or yours if this sounds familiar to you?  Because I find myself feeling attacked frequently when I’m not.  I end up on the defensive quickly because I feel the need to apologize for things that aren’t my fault and then I feel angry for being made to feel that way,  even though it’s me who got me there.   And that is a sure-fire way to destroy a relationship.  Always being on the defensive means you’re always ready to attack what’s going to attack you,  but what if you’re not really being attacked?  It’s time to take that control back,  stop apologizing for being pretty,  let the defenses down.  And for you and its insecurities,  stop assuming every pretty girl is out to get you.  You might build a stronger relationship and find you’re able to drop your insecurities if you learn we all have them.