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Being single in your 30’s is kind of like being a 10 year old dog still on the streets and never being adopted…It sucks…and here are the top 9 reasons why:

  1. The talent pool of potential partners is thin. If you think about it, the majority of healthy, attractive people are engaged in their early twenties, married by mid-twenties, pregnant by late twenties, and hanging on for dear life until their mid-thirties, when they’ll decide whether or not to put their hopeless, wounded racehorse of a marriage out of its misery. Simply put, the pool is thin at this age because couples are still a few years away from divorce.
  2. Masturbation gets old. At 16, I could make a weekend of it. At 32, when it’s time to stand up to walk to the bathroom for a towel and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you feel a wave of disgust and self-pity. Then you hang the towel back up and forget about that feeling, but it’s there.
  3. This is more for women. If you want babies, this is the fourth quarter.
  4. When you finally land a date, figuring out all of the logistics between work, kids, and a babysitter requires a plan that feels like it’s out of an Ocean’s 11 movie.
  5. People are crazy. On one date, the lady’s ex-husband followed us to the bar and berated her in the middle of the Cheesecake Factory parking lot while I stood there pretending to check my phone. Another time, a woman invited me to her place. We made out in her dark bedroom until a baby starting crying in the corner of the room. Up until then, I was unaware of any baby.
  6. You harbor an especially strong hatred for Facebook anniversary status updates because they all start with, “X years ago, I married my best friend.”
  7. When you tell a group of people that you’re single, they look at you with the same pity as if you told them you’ve been diagnosed with colorectal cancer.
  8. Laughing isn’t as enjoyable when you’re alone. When I watch a comedy on TV and something makes me laugh, I get uncomfortable and always cut it off by clearing my throat and muttering, “oh man, that’s funny…”
  9. You have to go out of your way to post memes and create lists to convince people (and yourself) that being single ‘rocks.’

Hope you enjoyed this, and I’m sure you related to at least some of it!


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