My last boyfriend was always trying to get me to buy fish net stockings and garter belts.

I never did.  Why spend money to turn him on, when I could turn him on for free? Made no sense.  I could be wearing a mu mu, granny panties and have just eaten raw onions and he’d be ready to go.  Plus, hard is hard.  It’s not like, the fish nets were going to make it bigger.

But in the spirit of the holiday, I decided to explore sexual role play because nothing except maybe candy, says Halloween, like slutty costumes.

Since I know nothing about sexual role play, I started reading articles.  Apparently, when you look at your partner and think, where’s the remote instead of where’s the lube, the way to bring back the lust is dressing up like a fireman or mail man.  I’m not making this up.  I’m putting into my own words what I just read.   And, yes, I’m laughing.

So, I could be living a life of luxury with a really rich, old, bald, fat guy, but I keep turning down those options because I want the passion.  Who knew all that was needed to get the sizzle out of those relationships was costumes and make believe play?  For instance, I could stick a black cape on an old, bald, fat guy and pretend he was Zorro and then I’d want to jump his bones.  Of course, we’d probably need to get the mask too.

To role play correctly, you need to come up with a character that would turn your partner on.  And you need them to become a character that excites you and fits in nicely with your character.  For instance, plumber and housewife.  That was actually given as an example of favorite role playing sex characters.  Seriously?

What is the game?  How do you act that?

House wife:  “My toilet is clogged.  There’s poop all over the basement.”

Plumber:  “No problem.  I’m here to save the day.”

Then he goes in the bathroom, and pretends to unclog a drain.  He flushes the toilet to prove he has done his job.

Housewife:  “You’re so good with your hands.”

Plumber:  “I fixed that plumbing and now I want to check out your plumbing to make sure it is working.”

He lifts up her skirt.  Her plumbing is working and the sex is so great they forget they are not that attracted to each other.

I am way too jaded.  I’m sure I’m denigrating something beautiful.

Hence, it is time to try a sex role game for real.  First I need to choose a character that will arouse the guy I’m dating.

Easy choice.  I am going to dress up as a sexy guitar.  I can picture it now.

Me:  “Do I finally have your attention?  Since the only thing that excites you is guitars, look at my costume and pretend I’m a sexy guitar.  Now Play Me!”

Him not taking his eyes off the Yngwie video on Youtube :  “I have over 50 guitars and they all excite me.  What do I need you for?”

GAME OVER.

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