friendship, husband, losing a friend, Marriage, married, wedding, wife
I lost my best female friend of eight years recently to marriage. As weird as that may sound, it’s the truth. What happened to me in this situation, I don’t wish upon anyone, because it’s very hurtful. All I can hope for is that others will read this and take precautions to avoid doing this to one of your best friends if you meet the man or woman of your dreams.
My friendship with (I’ll call her Jill), started off back in 2007. Jill and I had a lot in common, whether the food we ate, the arts we enjoyed, cultural exhibits, going to fun events together, and many other things. I was her “go-to guy” for when she had boyfriend trouble. I can’t remember how much advice I’ve given her over the years because it is a tremendous amount. But I can safely say, I have done more with Jill in the 8 years as her friend than I have with any girlfriend in my life. And this is why my story is painful to tell.
About four months ago, Jill invited me to a party. She wanted to introduce me to her new “boyfriend”, whom she had literally just met like the day before. She said she was,”in love”. I was actually kind of shocked because given her track record, I thought she would be more careful. Especially after a previous conversation when we went to hear the Philadelphia orchestra perform, whereas she told me she was giving up on men, taking it easy, and focusing on herself and her business. Well that went right out the window.
Whether she knew it or not, I was actually happy for her. She has not been treated well by men, and as her best friend, I felt for her, more than she will ever know. I was happy that she found someone with whom she could start a life. Where I was unhappy, was how she treated me in the process. I was forgotten. I was left behind. It was as if she and I were soldiers on a battlefield, I was shot, and she didn’t come back for me. The wound was made, and she expected me to heal it on my own. That’s not what friends do. Friends are there for friends no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you meet a new lover. It doesn’t matter if you start a new business. It doesn’t matter if something tragic happens in your life. Friends should always be there for their friends.
I love the saying from the Bible: Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. Well, if Jill was following this saying, she made it pretty clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with me. Of course, four months later she randomly texts me to let me know that she married this stranger, and that they live together (well that was lightning fast). She expected me to be happy for her and pick up where we left off. This coming from a friend who I no longer thought was a friend. My question to everyone out there is: If you meet a significant other, and start a relationship with them, does that mean you should toss your best friend(s) aside? Those friends that were there for years. Shouldn’t you still talk to them at least once a week, and meet with them for coffee or some fun event like you used to do at least every other week? Why does it have to be one or the other?
Personally, anyone who knows me, knows that I will never, ever, NEVER, EVER, ditch a friend for a girlfriend. I never have in 38 years, and I never will. That’s completely disrespectful, uncalled for, immature, and shows a huge lack of empathy. Funny enough, I decided to be the better man and invited my long lost friend to a party that I am throwing soon. After a brief a scuffle via text message when I voiced my opinion, she is now not coming to the party. I’m sorry, but I will never bite my tongue, and definitely will not hold back my opinion, especially when it comes to a so-called “best friend”. I now realize that my friend is lost forever, in a long-lost land called marriage. If this is what traveling to that land is like, then count me out. I would rather stay single, and be happy with my friends and my family, then jeopardize the friendship(s) that I have, over just one person (who may one day disappear). Friendship lasts forever, marriage does not, as we all well know.
Good luck to you Jill, I hope your marriage brings you all the happiness in the world. I hope that your husband treats you how you want to be treated. I hope that your husband does things with you that you truly love to do. The things we used to do together. Above all, I hope that the next time you make a new friend, that you don’t push them aside for anything in the world, not a husband, not a job, and not even a tragic event. Nothing is worth losing a friendship over.
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K. Clark said:
I went through almost the exact same thing this year. Though my friend thought I wasn’t happy for him and jealous, rather than just hurt. He refused to see or speak to me again because of his assumptions. This was all done through text, which was his preferred method of communicating. But reading your post, makes me realize how bitter I actually have been lately. Yes, what she did was cruel, but your spouse is your best friend, and if you don’t put them first then you aren’t a good spouse. I’m sorry your friend was inconsiderate as mine was, but you deserve better. I hope that when you find your significant other, you will put her first, guilt free and she will do the same for you.
I’ve went through the same tragedy two years ago. My friend and I were inseparable for 8 years, through college and our twenties. I always knew when we married other people we would have to take a step back to respect our spouses. Then he got someone knocked up and married her within a couple months. We tried tentatively texting and called just to catch up; Then one day the communication from his end stopped completely. I felt like I had a brother and he died. It’s been two years. I’m in a happy relationship. My boyfriend and I live together and he’s always voiced support for any pals I have, male or female. I guess my friend’s wide didn’t share this view. It’s the only guess I have, since I haven’t heard a peep from him. I knew the friendship was dead when I heard from a mutual acquaintance that they had had another child and he hadn’t even texted me. I’ve tried to put him out of my mind, but a decade-long friendship doesn’t let you go that easily. I still think about my friend everyday. I wish I could talk to him about things going on in my life and ask his advice. I wish I could meet his family and let his children play with my own future children one day. It feels like a family member has died and it’s a burden I carry all the time. I don’t know when this ache will subside, and I agree with you: It was cruel of him and his wife. Since there’s no point letting myself dwell in anger and bitterness I tried to grieve our relationship and let it go. It’s really hard though. It helped a lot hearing a similar story. Eff ’em.