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It’s easy to think of communication as something that will eventually come, or for that matter, not think of it at all when pursuing a new relationship. These days its easy to get lost in the shuffle of iPhones, Twitter, and various other social networking venues. All forms of communication, true, but not a guarantee you’re going to make a real lasting connection to sustain something more than “BFF’s”  Think about it. How much do we really value communication?

On the first date it’s hard for all of us to be honest and say what we really want to, mostly because we (women) fear we are going to say the wrong thing entirely. We’ve all been there, it’s easier to wait til later except more often than not waiting just leads to more mixed signals and hurt feelings. Is he looking for a serious relationship or I wonder if he is just getting out of a relationship? Will he care if I have kids? You’re left wondering. So instead of letting a conversation get too deep it’s just easier to talk about the weather.

Just the other day I was watching one of my favorites, The Invention of Lying, and this got me to thinking…man, how would this really set the stage of dating if more of us were just..well, honest?  You know it, the dating scene can be overflowing with dysfunction. I’ve had my share. In a relationship early on, a little transparency in the beginning could of saved a lot of havoc later on. Or the hot guy I dated because it was easier than being alone but where the two of us had nothing in common. The scenarios are endless. Relationships functioning outside of what we really wanted to begin with are downright draining.  Undoubtedly, transparency can be a dynamic tool in forming that lasting bond in a relationship.

The other day I came across an interesting article where Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York (Stony Brook) has developed a 45-minute session of getting complete strangers to reach a level of intimacy that would normally take weeks to form.  Speed dating if you will. His method was actually simple, laughable even: getting two subjects to discuss interesting but more controversial topics which made for a certain level of vulnerability not often reached on a first date but also left both partners feeling a closer kinship in the end. He has crafted a set of 36 questions to do just this. Check them out see what you think. Is honesty really the best policy?

Here are some of my favorites from his Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy.

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?


Hope you enjoyed my take on the world of first dates.  I’d love to hear your comments! 🙂

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