Tag Archives: communication

The 50-50 Rule of Serial dating

10 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, Online Dating, Sex Advice

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I recently engaged in a conversation with someone online regarding the topic of serial dating. This woman claimed that all men are serial daters and that it’s impossible to truly be in a relationship with a man because he’s constantly going on dates with new women. Ironically, my response to that statement was that I felt the same way about women.

I happen to have a lot of female friends, and when I see them juggling 20 guys on their phone, that makes me wonder who is really the serial dater here, guys, or girls.  Most likely it’s both. But I also think that this is a question of context. There are guys out there like me, who truly are looking for one person to be in a relationship with. The issue falls down to the 50-50 rule. What I mean by that is, the luck of being in a relationship with someone, or just meeting someone who likes you as much as you like them. You have a 50-50 chance at it.

Portrait of three women and one guy posing in a close up shot

When you first go on a date with someone, you might hit it off and really like each other, or so you think. You might never hear back from that person again for a second date, even though you thought you had a good time, but they didn’t, or they didn’t find you attractive, or they didn’t like your personality. Either way, it works both ways, and you have a 50-50 chance of it working out. If you ask me, I think those are pretty poor chances. So unfortunately, with the advent of dating apps like Tinder, people are just a swipe away from another date and another roll of the dice to get that 50-50 chance. It just so happens that nowadays, people are going on dates a heck of a lot more than they used to 10 years ago.

I don’t think it’s a question of serial dating, I think it’s the convenience of having access to a plethora of matches and being able to truly weed through as many people as possible until you give yourself the best chance at finding someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. If you think that guys are serial dating, maybe it’s that they just don’t like you, as harsh as that sounds, it’s probably true. There have been times I’ve been on a date with a girl, or I even dated them for a few weeks, and then I just found myself not interested in them, and I didn’t see a future with them. Wouldn’t it be smarter to cut it short rather than drag it out?

It’s not like I’m dating multiple women at the same time, when I do meet someone I like, I focus on only that girl and stop talking to other women altogether. But until I meet that woman who I want to focus my time and energy on, yes, I will continue to date in order to try to meet someone who I can spend time with. Isn’t that what dating is ultimately?  The next time you think someone is a serial dater, truly look at the situation, the relationship, and figure out if you are a real good match for this person, because if you’re not, there’s your answer.

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Temptation and the Big, Bad, Wolf

11 Tuesday Aug 2015

Posted by in Horror Stories, Online Dating, Relationships

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Sometimes I feel like Little Red Riding Hood.  She goes for a stroll to grandmother’s house in the woods before dark knowing its ominous, knowing shes alone.  Yet she skips through the woods oblivious to the dangers that hide in the wooded forest. Not only does she run into the big, bad, wolf but she actually is in denial of what he really is.   Always keeping her childlike innocence the entire time, naive to the beast that lurks in front of her.

“Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!”  “All the better to hear you with.”

“Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!” “All the better to see you with.”

“Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!” “All the better to grab you with!”

“Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!” “All the better to eat you with!”

Is this what temptation is? Do we sometimes live in denial? Did Red Riding Hood know the wolf was a wolf in her grandmother’s night gown but needed an adrenaline rush? I feel like we all know the right thing to do.  We all know what we want in life, we know  who is right and wrong for us. We know when we are being fooled or used but sometimes we need the big, bad, wolf to put us in our place.  There is a saying I really like,”you cannot feel high if you haven’t been low”. The wolf ate her grandmother and almost ate RED but she escapes.  What a rush she must of felt to have a second chance.  What am I even talking about you may be asking.  I’m talking about temptation.  What is the definition of temptation?  After you read it out loud you may understand better.

Temptation is a fundamental desire to engage in short-term urges for enjoyment, that threatens long-term goals.

So was little Red Riding Hood trying to seek a thrill knowing that if it were really a wolf she may not live until tomorrow because he may eat her?  Do people who get tempted do it on purpose or a deeper need itching within?  Do they do it to feel something when they are numb?   Have they been just going with the day to day emotions? Think about this: What if you were so numb and you wanted to just feel something electric in your body one final push off the cliff that would make you feel alive again so you could keep going…would you walk in the woods?

We all have burning desires.  Some of us drive fast, some cheat, some get tattoos, some party, some jump out of planes, some gamble, some travel, and some have dark secrets we may never know of.  We are all the same, no one is perfect, that is human. I think every once in awhile we just do something out of character to feel alive again when the world is on our shoulders.   We run into the woods, we wear red capes and play with wolves. I don’t know why we do the things we do but we have a reason to want to feel something to awaken it all.  Well I will leave you with one of my favorite lines from the story.

 

 The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

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10 Questions You Should Ask on a First Date

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, Love at first sight, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Video dating, women seeking men

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One of the reasons I dread having a first date is because typically they are like job interviews.  You have to get to know someone, just like you do in a job interview, so you ask them 21 questions about themselves.  After thousands of dates, you can imagine how boring this can be, both asking the questions, and answering them repeatedly without an end in sight.

One of the things I tried recently to shake things up a bit and make a first date more interesting was to switch up my questions. Here are some examples of questions you may have asked or have been asked, and what I think you could ask instead to make a first date more enjoyable:

Generic Question: How many brothers or sisters do you have?

Better Question: If you have any siblings, tell me about one of the funniest moments you remember with them?

Generic Question: What do you do for a living?

Better Question: What’s the favorite part of your job?

Generic Question: Where did you go to college?

Better Question: What did you major in college, and if you could have changed your major and done something else, what would it be and why?

Generic Question: What are some of your hobbies?

Better Question: Which hobby do you prefer the most, and why do you like it so much?

Generic Question: Do you have any pets?

Better Question: If your pet could talk, what are some of the things you think it would say to you?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite food?

Better Question: What was the last thing you cooked, and why did you enjoy preparing it?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite movie?

Better Question: What were some of the last few movies you watched, and did any of them move you at all?

Generic Question: What’s your favorite band?

Better Question: If you could listen to any band dead or alive right now, which would it be and why?

Generic Question: Where are some of the places you’ve traveled to?

Better Question: Tell me about the most memorable moment you’ve ever had in a foreign country.

Generic Question: Are you close to your parents?

Better Question: Tell me about something about growing up with your parents that you remember vividly, funny, sad, or just a cool moment.

Generic Question: What do you do in your free time?

Better Question: When you have free time, what do you usually do more: relax, read, listen to music, watch movies, engage in culture, seek out adventure, or all of the above?

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I can go on and on with these generic questions that don’t get to the core of what will show if there is a match. Personality and chemistry reign supreme, but these generic questions don’t target those characteristics. So hopefully my “Better questions” will help those of you who are going on yet another first date.   When you ask someone these questions, take extra care to look at their facial expressions, so you can see how they got surprised and/or intrigued by your question.

I think these questions will give you more of where the person is coming from.  Whether or not they are creative, funny, or if they can think on the spot.  Plus, based on the answers, you might find that their personality is a lot like yours if they choose some of the same answers you would choose. Of course it’s only fair that you answer them also, so make sure you thought your answers through. In the end, this would be a much better way to get to know someone in my opinion while walking in a park with a coffee or an ice cream in hand.

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How to Navigate Through the Vast Ocean of Love

08 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by in college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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I’m sure that if you’re single, you will agree that you’re sick of hearing “When you find the one, you will just know.  You won’t question it anymore, you will just stop asking yourself if this is who you are supposed to be with.” I’m not going to lie, I was one of the single people out there who thought that this saying might be B.S.!  Yet even I was skeptical that I would ever meet anyone online. It seemed like it was an endless pool of sharks and I was just a starfish sinking to the bottomless sea of the unknown.  Just a mysterious, endless, lonely ocean of nothing.

I read a long time ago that in Christian symbolism, the starfish represents the Virgin Mary (Stella Maris which means Star of the Sea), who creates safe travel over troubled waters and is also seen as an emblem of salvation during trying times. The star as well as the starfish are seen as celestial symbols and as such, they represent infinite divine love. In addition to love, the starfish also holds characteristics such as guidance, vigilance, inspiration, brilliance and intuition. If a starfish is injured and its tentacles are removed, they grow back making them immortal.  They have fascinated me since the first time my mother gave me one as a pet for my birthday.

At first, during my search for love I was oblivious like anyone else.   I would see an attractive picture and email back and forth with men that were obviously nothing like me and had nothing in common with me.  I was being shallow. I usually went for someone who was emotionally unavailable or someone who lived far away, or who was mysterious, or showed signs of being taken. I was avoiding commitment and I didn’t even know I was doing it. I was making mistakes and learning the hard way.  Each day that went by I lost more and more hope.  Did I even deserve to have someone special in my life?  I was in seven weddings and watched my girlfriends go on honeymoons, have babies, and buy houses.  Meanwhile, I was going to bed alone night after night, and each day my job (I was a matchmaker) was to tell people how to be patient and that love does exist.

One thing my job did teach me during this journey was a lot about research and statistics on singles and online dating. So I started to learn trends and what drove people to choose one person over another users profile. I learned online lingo, how to choose the best profile pictures, and how to make an appealing first impression by video. I read and watched thousands of profiles, looked at probably a million people that sounded exactly the same.  But how could everyone be the same?!  I was becoming an expert on online dating profiles and platforms. I even sat on panels and had shows about the topics. Then I went on a hundred bad dates. I really started using what I learned and my dates actually started to get better and started lasting past two or three dates.  But I was still alone and not feeling the ultimate connection.  I was getting no sort of real commitment.

The truth is, no matter what expert data you have and learn or analytics on dating trends and skills its still up to timing, fate, luck, and the universe. So long story short I actually found him and I just knew like people said I would! He is the most amazing, kindhearted man I have ever met.  He is just like me and we could have fun throwing rocks, or talking for hours.  We have a lot in common and I feel like he was made just for me.  Like I created him in my mind or something.  Sometimes I wonder if he’s even human. Well here is what I did:

1. Pray – I’m not super religious but on those lonely nights when I was lying in bed with tears in my eyes I would pray that God would help me or lead me in the right direction to find someone who had a heart like mine.

2.Clean out the closet – I got rid of my past just a couple days before I met him.  I said my final goodbyes to people who had wasted my time or had been unemotionally available. I wanted a game free environment for anyone coming in.

3. Stop going on dates/research – I used to go on a date if someone asked me and they looked decent or had an interesting job.  But now before I went on any date I took it more serious.  I would review their profiles then text as many important vital questions. I did my research.  I would check out their LinkedIn, Facebook, and any online presence, have video chats, etc. Its amazing what you can learn about a person when they are not putting on a facade to lure you in to go on a date with them.

4. I did the picking and choosing – Usually a man would approach me online, ask me out and that’s how the courtship began. But this time I refused to talk to anyone that emailed me or sent me a wink.  I wanted the men that were not interested and I wanted to find out why.  So I was now the one sending the first emails and my decision was based on how they responded back.  What I found during my investigation was the most unusual finding.  I found my guy on the first try using my new approach. I didn’t know it would happen that fast but it did and I’m ecstatic.  I found ten things I liked about him and listed them kind of like I would list on a PowerPoint for investors and sent it to him. Here is what I like about you, here is what I want, here is what I offer, do you want to meet? At first he wanted to meet for a drink like any other date but then he texted me back and said he would rather play miniature golf.  I knew this was going to be different.

5.Vulnerable/Honesty – I went into this wholeheartedly.  Yes I was hurt in the past, but I had nothing to lose.  I was already alone. I was honest with him like I would be with any of my best friends or family members. I was very vulnerable.  I always go for the unavailable guys.  He was different.  He was showing that he was available.  I gave him my trust. I remember one of our first few dates he told me to get dressed up and I had no clue where we were going but I let him surprise me.  I didn’t have to know everything.  I didn’t have to know all the answers or where we were going as long as it was together.  This was new to me.

I wasn’t alone anymore, I found another starfish in the sea to float through the great big ocean. Maybe it’s not about what you think is supposed to happen but it’s about taking what’s missing in your heart more serious.  After you do this then you will let timing, fate, karma, and serendipity come into play. Don’t ever give up hope.  There is absolutely someone for everyone.

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When You Know You’re Ready to Settle Down

01 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by in college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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Relationships are fantastic if you find the right person to share the experience with. There are so many different things to consider when it comes to settling down long-term, finally committing, and taking yourself off the market.  Here are some of the signs I found most significant for me:

1.  You have been single for a significant amount of time: If you have been single for a long period of time this is actually very good, you have actually done what most people cannot do be alone. You are now comfortable with who you are, you have your own interests, likes and dislikes.  You are not hiding behind a partners’ shadow and you have your own life. This will help you with a future partner.  Not only is your independence attractive, but it shows you are settling down for the right reasons and not to just to have someone around just because.

Fact:75 percent of folks who settled down feel that they just settled, according to a new study by Siemens Festival Nights .

 

2. Tired of being the third wheel: When your friends are all married, engaged, living with partners and you’re always the third wheel, it will definitely start crossing your mind that it would be really nice to have someone on your arm. When your friends stop giving you a plus one to their events because they never see you with anyone and want to save money, you know that even they have given up on your search for love.

3. You are alone on the Holidays: Have you ever been at the mall during Christmas and everyone seems to be running around for that special gift.  You are actually jealous of their craziness because, you know you won’t be snuggling up by the fireplace drinking hot cocoa under the mistletoe with your beloved. You’re ready to sit on Santa’s lap and wish for a boyfriend.  Imagine six years alone on every holiday. I imagine my first holiday with someone will be better then any gift that would be store bought.

 

4. The night life and random dates start to bore you:  On dates, you can only get dressed up so many times, drink so many fancy martinis and explain your life story over and over again to someone who is most likely completely a waste of time or wrong for you. If you are out on the prowl and know what the DJ is going to play next and what the drink specials are at your favorite hot spot, you are definitely spending too much time being single. I know I personally enjoy cooking dinner, watching movies, laughing and snuggling over any night out.

5. You don’t have an emergency contact: This might sound silly but after my mom passed away and I lost both parents I had to take my mom off my records as the emergency contact. And as everyone knows there is a spot for spouse husband/wife and mine has always been blank. So as I was sitting there with my injured hip alone in the hospital bed after surgery I realized I wanted to fill that spot in.  I don’t want to be here alone.  I want someone to go get me a vending machine drink and snack and tell me it’s all OK and they love me. I’m a big baby.

6. You know you won’t mess up things if you found the right person this time around: We all look back at mistakes we made and our past failed relationships.  When you are mentally ready for a real relationship you might be thinking and saying things , Like if I ever find a person that is worth it I will not just give up on them. I won’t run away when times get tough and I won’t ever think the grass is greener.  They will be my second chance, my everything and I will always put them first and make it work.

Hope this helps a little.  Please add some of your thoughts and remember we all make mistakes.  We all have struggles and regrets from things that have happened in our past.  We are not our mistakes, struggles or regrets. We are here now today and alive.  So use those experiences to shape tomorrow and your future relationships. Life has been preparing you for all the right things that are yet to come good luck out there!

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10 Tips to Heal Your Heart After Divorce

18 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, love, Online Dating, Relationships, Romance, women seeking men

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Falling-out-of-love

Imagine you have the chance to start over and create the life that you’ve always wanted. When you are single again you can make your dream life a reality.  Your mulligan (do over) may not be the way you planned or imagined, but you have been given the gift to go forward and create the life you want.

The first healthy relationship you need to have is with yourself.  When you have healed your heart and start having a better relationship with yourself, your entire attitude toward life and the vision you have of your dream partner will synchronize.  With ample healing, I can clearly see that the partners I once saw as “possibilities” are now “non-contenders”.

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Here are 10 tips to jump start your healing to create an amazing life:

1. BE HAPPY: Forgiving yourself promotes healing.  Yes, you’re single again.  It as a second chance to have the life you’ve always wanted.  Want to redecorate? Dreamed of having a gorgeous wardrobe?  Always wanted to be a fantastic cook? Yes, you can have it all! Create the life you want. You have permission to be happy!

2. BE POSITIVE: Make a list of all your great qualities and why you are awesome.  Recite it every night and morning until you smile.  Positive self-talk is powerful! Happiness is for the taking.  Go grab a slice!

3. BE HEALTHY: Start slowly by eating more fruits and veggies.  Since you’re probably experiencing a lot of stress, now is a great time to take better care of your health.  This also includes skin care, hair care, etc.  You deserve to feel fabulous and it will lift your spirits!

4. BE SMART: I could write a book about all the advice I received (both good and bad) when I was first single.  One person actually told me that I just needed to, “go out and have some sex.”  Um, no.  Always, consider the source.  Regardless of their intention, you DO NOT need to take anyone’s advice.  You are creating YOUR NEW LIFE, drama free.  Be respectful but do not be afraid to say, “No thank you.”  Regain your confidence by making smart choices.

5. BE PATIENT: When you are healing, you should take all the time in the world until you feel confident enough to jump back into the dating scene again.  This might take the rest of your life, and that’s okay.  You shouldn’t feel like you are pressured into being with somebody just because you are single.  Having the support of friends and family will help cope with your feeling of loneliness.  Just be patient, and fate will take care of the rest.

6. BE INTERESTING: I know a guy who boasts about how he only watches TV and never really likes to go anywhere.  He says he’s, “a homebody”.  It was a very short lived (and extremely awkward) conversation.  Read interesting books. Have a hobby.  Take up a new activity. Join a club. This will help you heal because you are living life and not sitting around waiting for life to come to you.

7. BE FLIRTY: Ever see the Friends episode where “Ross Can’t Flirt”? You should bring back that little spark to your day (not at work!).  It may take some practice but it will help you heal by being more open with people and will help build your confidence.

8. BE ACTIVE: A solo walk in the park, or in the neighborhood during daylight hours (safety first, of course) will help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.  Use this time to really think about and plan the life you’re creating.  I have walked many, many miles by the river and gained so much clarity during this solitude.  A rigorous workout at the gym is great for releasing those endorphin’s for a mood boost.

9. BE AUTHENTIC: Part of healing is being honest with yourself and others.  You don’t need to reveal every secret.  Being true to yourself will help you understand yourself better and will lead you to seek a compatible partner.

10. BE FREE: Enjoy life to its fullest.  This is your chance.  Take it!

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How to Tell You Have Lingering Lovers and What to do About it

13 Wednesday May 2015

Posted by in college, Dating Tips, friendships, Men seeking women, Online Dating, Relationships, Single Parents, Video dating

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If you are like me and have been single for a while and are in the dating world I’m sure you have met many unavailable, unemotional types. Your feelings were all over the place numerous times over and over again. This can become very disappointing when you’re a relationship person and can’t find one person to be consistent with. You probably stayed friends with a few because you were romantically not compatible but they weren’t terrible human beings and actually tolerable as acquaintances. But the truth is, are they worth keeping around or could they mess up new potential possibilities?

Deleting people out of my life opened my eyes to what was really going on. I have no regrets.

 

The best part about dating all the wrong people is that you learn something new each time about what you are really looking for and willing to actually put up with. Once you are ready to let someone in and you are ready to be serious for a long-term commitment I think it’s a must that you get rid of any past influences or potential failed mates that are still lingering around.

Maybe you have some of these characters texting you or messaging you on Facebook .  They tell you their feelings randomly on Friday nights at 2 am. If you have more than one of these guys/gals on your list it’s time for some serious Spring cleaning. The reason why it’s so important to re-evaluate the people you have lingering around is because they drain your energy that you can be sharing with someone new and deserving who is actually worth keeping on your speed dial. Do you want to end up alone because you couldn’t say goodbye to yesterdays news.  Here’s a list for you to review in order to start taking a hard look at yourself and the company you have been keeping.

1. The high school/college Ex – Everyone has one or two, and they were with these guys/gals during the best years of their life.  School was fun and you both looked your best.  You enjoyed the time, it was a part of growing up and your first real relationship…your main stepping stone to adulthood. You will always have those memories, but seriously it was years ago.  If your old school flame was going to make a move again or you wanted to  it would have happened at this point.  You guys are actually in a friend zone for life!! It’s over, sorry to ruin everyone’s fantasies of marrying their high school sweetheart. Honestly it ends up being you only see them as a good friend and you are not even on the same page anymore.  You have experienced new things, it will always be a part of you but now you are a more evolved, complicated being.

2. The crush – This one is a hard one because this is someone you desired but, the liking was unrequited.  She/he may be with someone or not ready to be in a relationship with you. You know the crush, the one that is hard to get so you chase, chase, chase. But then one day you’re just like, well this isn’t fun anymore. Then all of a sudden they are texting you like: “Where have you been I miss you blah blah blah.”  Listen Mister Or Miss Crush, no one should have to try that hard to be happy with anyone…Real love comes naturally and is mutual. The crush is a tease, an illusion like gold at the end of the rainbow.  It’s fun to think about, but try getting to that gold.  It’s not happening, so let it go before a tornado comes through.

3.The random people you dated over the years in person or online – The flakes, the duds, the waste of time guys and gals who played numerous games.  They are out there serial dating, but when they get lonely, they try to hang out with you and tell you they were wrong. Guess what?  They are all talk! Do you want these people ruining your new relationship?  They are selfish, narcissistic beings that think emotions and love are just a joke.  They are a waste of your precious energy and will only lead you down a path of waking up alone.

 

4.The social media instagram / facebook friends that like all your stuff – Ok so these guys/girls are harmless, but every time you post a picture or status update, they like it and always comment how pretty/handsome you are.  They fill your inbox up with invites to parties and nonsensical small talk. Yes they are attracted to you but you are most likely not attracted to them. Best advice here is when you do get a new boyfriend or girlfriend be very open about it. Post a picture with an update saying, “This is my guy or gal and I’m very happy!”   If they continue to contact you let them know you are seeing someone and that they take up a lot of your extra time.  So if you’re not writing back it’s because you are pursuing the relationship and committed to it.  They will most likely respect your wishes.  If not…block them.

Well I hope this helps anyone looking to take a more serious approach to dating and are just tired of the random stragglers and left overs that keep coming in as they please. Take control and take positive steps towards the trusting relationship you want to have or are just starting. Make sure it is steady and mature and worth the effort.  Your new partner will be thankful for your cleanse and this will show them you want to start fresh and get rid of the interference.  This way, you can give them your full focus and wake up next to someone, instead of being alone.  Have a real relationship, not a wired one.

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Why Dating is like the Lottery

30 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, friendships, Home, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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It’s human nature to think you will beat the odds.  That is why so many people buy lottery tickets.  It is also why people sign up for The Bachelor.  Every contestant thinks they have a good chance of ending up on a mountain top with The Bachelor on his knee offering a lifetime of connubial bliss.

The 24/25 (I think those are the odds) chance of being rejected on TV while millions watch doesn’t seem to register.  Every time the person who doesn’t get the rose seems shocked they got rejected, I want to knock some sense into their head.  When you give yourself a 96% chance of getting rejected, expect rejection.  Why are you crying in the back seat of some car?  I feel no sympathy.  Of course, I also have a hard time feeling sorry for gorgeous singles in their twenties.

While I think The Bachelor contestants are moronic for expecting to beat the overwhelming odds against them, I made a similar mistake in my last relationship.  A mistake you can learn from. This boyfriend had never been dumped.  He’d been in plenty of long term relationships and even a 9 year marriage, but he was always the one who bailed.

While we were together, I had that same “magical” thinking that you see on The Bachelor.  I knew he’d dumped lots of women.  Statistically my chances of getting rejected are astronomical.  But I’m special.  I have something those other girls lacked. That was my moronic thinking. Needless to say, I got dumped.  By that time, I didn’t care that much.  I had a crush on someone else.  This boyfriend had been awful to deal with. There was no communication, but what I think happened was that he sensed my roving eye and got out before I could hurt him.  In hindsight, I can say that was his MO.  He’d never gotten rejected because he bailed first to avoid the heart break and humiliation.

The lessons to be learned are that if you don’t learn from your paramour’s history, it repeats itself.  If a guy has a track record of dumping lots of people, you are setting yourself up for a dumping.  Hit the road and stay far, far away.  You are special, but that does not mean when a person’s past proves they suck at relationships that your relationship with them won’t suck too.  It will.

I got no closure from my last relationship, until last week. It ended with no warning.  I knew he had never been dumped.  He’d left every relationship he’d ever been in. That should have made me wary. An important clue to where your relationship is going is where your ex’s relationships have gone.

But, I learned something about gambling that applies.  It is human nature to think you will beat the odds.  That is why people buy lottery tickets.  While chances of winning are next to nothing, people buy the tickets because they think might win.

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Why You Should Just Say No to Second Chances

27 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by in About, college, Dating Tips, friendships, Home, Horror Stories, international, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, warped tour, women seeking men

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I don’t believe in second chances.  The old me used to give second chances and it was nothing but a waste of time. Listen, the truth is people don’t really change situations do. People just adapt to the new situation they are put in.  If your pondering whether or not you should give an ex or an old friend who has hurt you a second chance…think again. There is an old saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein 

I’m going to give you an example. I had an ex, and we were doing great; But when he went out with his friends he would act immature, and get wasted like he was a college frat guy.   When he was with his buddies he would pick up his phone and laugh at me while lying about the places he was at so we couldn’t meet up.  I wouldn’t hear from him for days when this would occur. Then I would see him add a bunch of trashy bar girls on Facebook after his Houdini act. He eventually broke up with me because he won a trip to the Miami Winter Music Conference.  He was an ignorant, immature, turd who acted like he was better than me. Now I step on men like him.

When an opportunity for a second chance came along, he apologized and said he had changed.  He was in a different place now, rarely drinks and he was so sorry he treated me poorly. When it came time to hang out he gave me the run around once again. Surprise…he was out drinking with his buddies at 1 PM on a Saturday.  His immaturity was shinning through, Déjà vu at its’ best.  I actually wanted to cry after getting hung up on by him .  I felt like a joke once again, but I knew what I had to do.  I told him I was over it and that there was no room for second chances.  The truth is this guy is not going to change. Maybe his situation will and he will find someone that will do the same to him or put up with him and his binge drinking, but I don’t have time for it. He lacks respect for women and at 34 years old there is no changing that.

He wasn’t the only one I gave second chances to.  My ex who I was engaged to and have a son with cheated on me for 9 years the entire time.  I left him for over a year when he begged for me back and proposed. He made a promise when he asked me to marry him.  Then he broke that promise when we were only engaged for a week and he slept with his ex girlfriend.  He told me he was working late that day, and the only reason I found out was because she called me to tell me what they had done that afternoon.  I was devastated.  I remember the tears pouring down our faces as I took the ring off and gave him my final goodbye.  I said, “Second chances don’t work because people don’t change.  Maybe one day you will not cheat on a person.  But not with me.  You will always cheat on me.” I lost him as a friend/lover and as the father of my son I would have to see him again, but the kind of pain he introduced to me over and over was unbearable.

When people ask me why I’m single I should say: Because I don’t believe in second chances. When making the decision whether or not to take an ex back and rekindle your old flame remember this quote by Joan Crawford: “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Think about how that flame burned you once, do you want to get burned again?  You probably separated because they lacked respect for you and by giving them another opportunity to do it again you are saying what your self worth really is to you. I guess I compare second chances to the book of Genesis.  If you look behind you it’s an impending disaster.  You have already been warned, if you do so you will turn to stone, a pillar of salt. Just keep moving forward and don’t look behind you.  A safe haven is nearby and so is a better kind of love.

Until next time, one foot in front of the other, and stay on your path.

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Why Everybody has Somebody Else on the Side

21 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Dating Tips, friendships, love, Love at first sight, marriage, Men seeking women, movies, Music, Online Dating, Press, Relationships, Romance, Sex Advice, Single Parents, trends', Uncategorized, Video dating, women seeking men

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If you ever end up being the other woman you will always get negative opinions and people stereotyping you.  So you can read  this and judge me, or this might relate to you.  In the end, this is the reality: people cheat. I have been on both sides, I have been the girlfriend and have had my heart broken by cheating boyfriends. I was cheated on every other day by my child’s father who I was engaged to, so my fairy tale life was shattered…I get it. It’s never a good thing, but it happens to most people in their lifetime. After we split six years ago I was back in the dating world and have had my own dirty secrets. From meeting different men with different likes, backgrounds, sexual fetishes, and careers – to hearing their different opinions on monogamy, such experiences can change ones’ entire outlook on love. My views at 22 vs 32 are completely different and more realistic.

For example I was in an emotional / friendship / affair situation with a taken man who helped me through a very difficult and confusing time in my life.  It was a grieving transition after my mother passed away. We related to each others’ pain since he had gone through something similar the year before.  I felt safe to share my darkest feelings and fears with him.  We also had an instant connection like nothing I have ever felt before when we first met. You can read about it in my blog “Why Love At First Sight Is Just Like A Fairy Tale.”  We didn’t get caught, but I’m sure if we had, I would have felt terrible.  If I hadn’t thought we were a match, then this wouldn’t have continued as long as it had.

I’ve always liked the saying, “Everyone comes into your life for a season, reason or lifetime.” Well I think this actually served a purpose and it was for a reason. And now that I saw over a year pass and my feelings never altered and I could see him as more then just a crush I can honestly say,” I love so much about him, mostly his kind heart.” Maybe this situation I had will grow to a lifetime…I don’t know yet.  The best part is, I know all you ladies are shaking your head reading this but we never had sex. So not all affairs are about sex.  Some are about timing, some of us have bad timing and some of us are settling for the wrong people. Sometimes we have to be in bad relationships with the wrong people to actually realize what we do and don’t want in our most important relationship. The relationship that will matter the most, I don’t know about you – but I only want to get married once. So all this trial and error will hopefully pay off.

Dating the last couple of years hasn’t been as easy as people think.  It’s not like it was in my younger years.  My girlfriends always say, “Oh you are pretty, and fun and you have a good head on your shoulders any guy would be lucky to date you.”  Not true. Every single, successful guy with a good head on his shoulders that is the least bit educated has about twenty other girls just like me waiting in the line of hope. They want to snag him up and they have a bag full of tricks to do so.

The most memorable romantic movies usually consist of one or both of the main characters being in a relationship or affair with someone else other then the person they are supposed to be in love with.  Usually the other relationship is all wrong for that character and they are simply not happy or they just broke up with someone who is a disaster for them but they want them back.  Sometimes it’s an arranged marriage or a twisted relationship they are forced into for money or prestige and they feel like they are a prisoner without an escape. Take some of the greatest movies ever and without the plot of this “other relationship.”  Would it be interesting enough to watch, would there even be a legit climax? For example: Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Serendipity, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Notebook, Titanic, Princess Bride. The list goes on, but point proven – this is what makes romantic movies memorable!

In a article posted by Carlie Alexa of CNN a poll of 3,000 people concluded that 1 in 5 people who are in relationships and married are actually in love with someone else. This gives validation to me that the divorce rate is up for a reason people are not thinking straight they are just settling with the idea of having someone even if it’s all wrong. This goes back to my theory that don’t settle for anything less then extraordinary there is a bigger plan for you. Go make mistakes, date the wrong people, get your heart broken, break some hearts yourself justify have some real fun and stop worrying. Once you find him or her and believe me you will know they will basically smack you right in the face you won’t miss it don’t let them go!!

Until next time here’s my quote of the day : “The moment when you realize that you were always the right person. And Only ignorant people walk away from greatness.”
― Shannon L. Alder

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