If You Love Someone, Don’t Let Them Know

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A guy I have known only a few weeks told me he loves me.  While we were on the phone, he told his friend that he was talking to the woman who might be his wife. Whoa… I just spent 6 years in divorce court.  Marriage talk… Not exactly a winning strategy with me.

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He talks about how we will make a great team and offered me housing.  He says he has spent the past 15 years looking for someone like me.  We haven’t even kissed. He is a really nice person.  I enjoy talking to him.  He’d make a kick ass business partner. But, he needs a dating coach.  He is going about finding love all wrong.

In theory you should be able to stop the game playing and tell someone you like, that you like them right away. In reality, however, you need to follow the following rules…

1.  Play hard to get.

2.  Never put all your eggs in one basket… Do not focus on one person.  Date lots of people.  Don’t stop dating lots of people until someone you want to be in a relationship with is falling in love with you.

3.  Exercise.  If you are a guy, do not assume money alone will get you laid.  Both sexes care a lot about how you look naked.  The better you look, the easier dating becomes.

4.  Do not tell someone you are attracted to them.  Keep them guessing about whether or not you have the hots for them.

5.  Do not call a new person often.  We are back to Rule number 1.  Do not call too often because you need to play hard to get.

Sorry I did not make this funny.  I have a migraine.  But, while it isn’t funny, it is the best advice anyone could give you.  Memorize those rules.

How to Tell You Have Lingering Lovers and What to do About it

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If you are like me and have been single for a while and are in the dating world I’m sure you have met many unavailable, unemotional types. Your feelings were all over the place numerous times over and over again. This can become very disappointing when you’re a relationship person and can’t find one person to be consistent with. You probably stayed friends with a few because you were romantically not compatible but they weren’t terrible human beings and actually tolerable as acquaintances. But the truth is, are they worth keeping around or could they mess up new potential possibilities?

Deleting people out of my life opened my eyes to what was really going on. I have no regrets.

 

The best part about dating all the wrong people is that you learn something new each time about what you are really looking for and willing to actually put up with. Once you are ready to let someone in and you are ready to be serious for a long-term commitment I think it’s a must that you get rid of any past influences or potential failed mates that are still lingering around.

Maybe you have some of these characters texting you or messaging you on Facebook .  They tell you their feelings randomly on Friday nights at 2 am. If you have more than one of these guys/gals on your list it’s time for some serious Spring cleaning. The reason why it’s so important to re-evaluate the people you have lingering around is because they drain your energy that you can be sharing with someone new and deserving who is actually worth keeping on your speed dial. Do you want to end up alone because you couldn’t say goodbye to yesterdays news.  Here’s a list for you to review in order to start taking a hard look at yourself and the company you have been keeping.

1. The high school/college Ex – Everyone has one or two, and they were with these guys/gals during the best years of their life.  School was fun and you both looked your best.  You enjoyed the time, it was a part of growing up and your first real relationship…your main stepping stone to adulthood. You will always have those memories, but seriously it was years ago.  If your old school flame was going to make a move again or you wanted to  it would have happened at this point.  You guys are actually in a friend zone for life!! It’s over, sorry to ruin everyone’s fantasies of marrying their high school sweetheart. Honestly it ends up being you only see them as a good friend and you are not even on the same page anymore.  You have experienced new things, it will always be a part of you but now you are a more evolved, complicated being.

2. The crush – This one is a hard one because this is someone you desired but, the liking was unrequited.  She/he may be with someone or not ready to be in a relationship with you. You know the crush, the one that is hard to get so you chase, chase, chase. But then one day you’re just like, well this isn’t fun anymore. Then all of a sudden they are texting you like: “Where have you been I miss you blah blah blah.”  Listen Mister Or Miss Crush, no one should have to try that hard to be happy with anyone…Real love comes naturally and is mutual. The crush is a tease, an illusion like gold at the end of the rainbow.  It’s fun to think about, but try getting to that gold.  It’s not happening, so let it go before a tornado comes through.

3.The random people you dated over the years in person or online – The flakes, the duds, the waste of time guys and gals who played numerous games.  They are out there serial dating, but when they get lonely, they try to hang out with you and tell you they were wrong. Guess what?  They are all talk! Do you want these people ruining your new relationship?  They are selfish, narcissistic beings that think emotions and love are just a joke.  They are a waste of your precious energy and will only lead you down a path of waking up alone.

 

4.The social media instagram / facebook friends that like all your stuff – Ok so these guys/girls are harmless, but every time you post a picture or status update, they like it and always comment how pretty/handsome you are.  They fill your inbox up with invites to parties and nonsensical small talk. Yes they are attracted to you but you are most likely not attracted to them. Best advice here is when you do get a new boyfriend or girlfriend be very open about it. Post a picture with an update saying, “This is my guy or gal and I’m very happy!”   If they continue to contact you let them know you are seeing someone and that they take up a lot of your extra time.  So if you’re not writing back it’s because you are pursuing the relationship and committed to it.  They will most likely respect your wishes.  If not…block them.

Well I hope this helps anyone looking to take a more serious approach to dating and are just tired of the random stragglers and left overs that keep coming in as they please. Take control and take positive steps towards the trusting relationship you want to have or are just starting. Make sure it is steady and mature and worth the effort.  Your new partner will be thankful for your cleanse and this will show them you want to start fresh and get rid of the interference.  This way, you can give them your full focus and wake up next to someone, instead of being alone.  Have a real relationship, not a wired one.

5 Ways to Avoid Being Catfished on a Dating Site

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I can’t tell you how many times I talk to somebody from a dating site and after exchanging phone numbers, pictures and finally making plans to meet up, they tell me how they have recently been catfished. It’s funny because when I tell them what my tech startup does, they instantly say what a good idea it is and how they wish they had known about it sooner. The funny thing about being catfished is that is has been happening for decades and nothing has changed in the online dating industry to help people avoid it.

There are definitely ways people could avoid being catfished (besides my app). Some of the ways may be obvious to you, but for some reason, not everyone abides by these unspoken rules:

1. Make sure the person you’re talking to has at least a couple of full body pictures in their dating profile. Head shots don’t count because they could be hiding a 300 pound body underneath that beautiful selfie.

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2. NEVER meet up in person before seeing said full body photos. This is the ultimate catfish syndrome.  You are attracted to someone’s photos, but then not being attracted to their body. There are some of us (including me), who actually prefer women who have a little more meat on their bones. But for those guys or girls out there that don’t, it’s always best to show what you have up front.

3. Do your research. You can easily Google someone and look up their social networks to find out a lot about them, especially their LinkedIn profiles. Wouldn’t you rather find out if the guy or girl is a creep? Or just to find out if they have different tastes or a different personality than you do before investing your time, money, and emotional energy in meeting them in person?

4. Try your best to convince the person who you are talking to, to have a video chat with you, whether Skype, FaceTime, or other apps (shameless plug), to break the ice and have a first date to find out if there is any chemistry.  A face to face video chat is by far the best way to get to know someone besides meeting in person.  You can see their smile, hear their voice (and laughter), and get a good reading on if you are a match.  Is he / she laughing at your jokes?  Are your eyes connecting? Is their house a mess? Does she have 17 cats? Does the guy have all his hair and teeth?  Stand up in front of a mirror and show yourself right then and there to show what you look like TODAY, not 10 years ago!

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5. The worst part about being catfished, is being stuck on a date that you don’t want to be on. So the best way to avoid this is to not have a first date be a long dinner or a show, or a movie, or anything that requires you to be seated with this person for more than an hour. Take a walk in the park, grab a coffee, a quick beer, an ice cream, something quick and simple that you would otherwise enjoy by yourself or with a friend.  That way it’s not awkward and you are not stuck for a long time if you need to make a quick exit.

I can’t believe that there is still an overly abundant amount of people getting catfished out there.  I hear it every day, and nothing is being done to change it, with all the dating apps out there, not one of them helps avoid this and I think it’s crazy. I’m glad to be in business of helping people avoid being catfished forever.

Why Dating is like the Lottery

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It’s human nature to think you will beat the odds.  That is why so many people buy lottery tickets.  It is also why people sign up for The Bachelor.  Every contestant thinks they have a good chance of ending up on a mountain top with The Bachelor on his knee offering a lifetime of connubial bliss.

The 24/25 (I think those are the odds) chance of being rejected on TV while millions watch doesn’t seem to register.  Every time the person who doesn’t get the rose seems shocked they got rejected, I want to knock some sense into their head.  When you give yourself a 96% chance of getting rejected, expect rejection.  Why are you crying in the back seat of some car?  I feel no sympathy.  Of course, I also have a hard time feeling sorry for gorgeous singles in their twenties.

While I think The Bachelor contestants are moronic for expecting to beat the overwhelming odds against them, I made a similar mistake in my last relationship.  A mistake you can learn from. This boyfriend had never been dumped.  He’d been in plenty of long term relationships and even a 9 year marriage, but he was always the one who bailed.

While we were together, I had that same “magical” thinking that you see on The Bachelor.  I knew he’d dumped lots of women.  Statistically my chances of getting rejected are astronomical.  But I’m special.  I have something those other girls lacked. That was my moronic thinking. Needless to say, I got dumped.  By that time, I didn’t care that much.  I had a crush on someone else.  This boyfriend had been awful to deal with. There was no communication, but what I think happened was that he sensed my roving eye and got out before I could hurt him.  In hindsight, I can say that was his MO.  He’d never gotten rejected because he bailed first to avoid the heart break and humiliation.

The lessons to be learned are that if you don’t learn from your paramour’s history, it repeats itself.  If a guy has a track record of dumping lots of people, you are setting yourself up for a dumping.  Hit the road and stay far, far away.  You are special, but that does not mean when a person’s past proves they suck at relationships that your relationship with them won’t suck too.  It will.

I got no closure from my last relationship, until last week. It ended with no warning.  I knew he had never been dumped.  He’d left every relationship he’d ever been in. That should have made me wary. An important clue to where your relationship is going is where your ex’s relationships have gone.

But, I learned something about gambling that applies.  It is human nature to think you will beat the odds.  That is why people buy lottery tickets.  While chances of winning are next to nothing, people buy the tickets because they think might win.

7 Signs Your New Prospect is Playing Games

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There’s a big game going around the internet, and if you’re innocent like me you may have been played once or twice. Half the people you meet online have other people on the side or a slew of others on the back burner. I never used the internet to meet people until I started researching different websites for my own app. There were a few apps I just stayed away from because I knew they were bad news and I wasn’t looking for a one night stand. I was looking for a serious relationship and I made this very clear in my profiles. But after one failure after another I realized online profiles don’t work, they are just a bunch of the words that paint a picture to lure you in.  Marketing yourself at your best. Is dating really a job interview?

I was once approached online by a very confident man who boasted about his prestigious job and how much money his family had. He was not only boasting but he was telling me how great I was and blowing up my head and my phone for days on end. The problem was that I was not attracted to him at all. So after his constant emails, texts, and compliments galore…I gave in. After our date, he was really acting like he was all about me to the point I thought it was a little too much.

But some signs were showing, his words were just words and when I called his bluff he turned the situation around on me, calling me insecure and needy.  He made me feel like I was the problem. I don’t want this happening to others.  The game is nasty and will have you feeling defeated. So here are some signs these guys/gals are all talk and just professional serial daters:

1.They are eager to talk about the future: house, kids, wedding , they seem in a rush and make all these great romantic plans yet they don’t even know your middle name.

2.They tell you to take your online profile down: yet they don’t take their’s down. They get weird about adding you to facebook or social media feeds. They get upset if you tag them in pictures without their permission. This is because they have something  to hide. And I think every fifth person you know, knows someone you know so they might get caught.

3.They want to talk to you all the time at first and they are so comfortable: Honestly that kind of comfort is a professional online dater. When you really like someone there’s always a little shyness at first until you warm up.

4.When you finally show interest they back off so quick: You won’t know where they went.  Poof – gone! My best friend always said,”If they are hot and heavy that means they are never ready.”

5.They are usually fast talkers: They always have something going on.  They either get back to you right that second or hours later with excuses why it took them so long. Top three excuses: (1)Something with Work (2) Their phone battery was dead. (3)With friends or family.  Funny part is you know they are lying because most dating apps show when you were last logged in.  So if you were so busy, how did you have time to search for other girl/guys?

6.They never say anything imperfect about themselves:  A man or a woman who doesn’t make mistakes or doesn’t have any flaws cannot be trusted.

7. Call them out:  On their BS, and watch what happens.  That sweet guy/gal gets nasty real fast.  You interrupted the game and they don’t like losing a turn. As quick as they wanted to sweep you off your feet they will pull that rug from under you and won’t help you back up.

Hope this helps if you are online and see any of these signs welcome to the game.

Why You Should Just Say No to Second Chances

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I don’t believe in second chances.  The old me used to give second chances and it was nothing but a waste of time. Listen, the truth is people don’t really change situations do. People just adapt to the new situation they are put in.  If your pondering whether or not you should give an ex or an old friend who has hurt you a second chance…think again. There is an old saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein 

I’m going to give you an example. I had an ex, and we were doing great; But when he went out with his friends he would act immature, and get wasted like he was a college frat guy.   When he was with his buddies he would pick up his phone and laugh at me while lying about the places he was at so we couldn’t meet up.  I wouldn’t hear from him for days when this would occur. Then I would see him add a bunch of trashy bar girls on Facebook after his Houdini act. He eventually broke up with me because he won a trip to the Miami Winter Music Conference.  He was an ignorant, immature, turd who acted like he was better than me. Now I step on men like him.

When an opportunity for a second chance came along, he apologized and said he had changed.  He was in a different place now, rarely drinks and he was so sorry he treated me poorly. When it came time to hang out he gave me the run around once again. Surprise…he was out drinking with his buddies at 1 PM on a Saturday.  His immaturity was shinning through, Déjà vu at its’ best.  I actually wanted to cry after getting hung up on by him .  I felt like a joke once again, but I knew what I had to do.  I told him I was over it and that there was no room for second chances.  The truth is this guy is not going to change. Maybe his situation will and he will find someone that will do the same to him or put up with him and his binge drinking, but I don’t have time for it. He lacks respect for women and at 34 years old there is no changing that.

He wasn’t the only one I gave second chances to.  My ex who I was engaged to and have a son with cheated on me for 9 years the entire time.  I left him for over a year when he begged for me back and proposed. He made a promise when he asked me to marry him.  Then he broke that promise when we were only engaged for a week and he slept with his ex girlfriend.  He told me he was working late that day, and the only reason I found out was because she called me to tell me what they had done that afternoon.  I was devastated.  I remember the tears pouring down our faces as I took the ring off and gave him my final goodbye.  I said, “Second chances don’t work because people don’t change.  Maybe one day you will not cheat on a person.  But not with me.  You will always cheat on me.” I lost him as a friend/lover and as the father of my son I would have to see him again, but the kind of pain he introduced to me over and over was unbearable.

When people ask me why I’m single I should say: Because I don’t believe in second chances. When making the decision whether or not to take an ex back and rekindle your old flame remember this quote by Joan Crawford: “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Think about how that flame burned you once, do you want to get burned again?  You probably separated because they lacked respect for you and by giving them another opportunity to do it again you are saying what your self worth really is to you. I guess I compare second chances to the book of Genesis.  If you look behind you it’s an impending disaster.  You have already been warned, if you do so you will turn to stone, a pillar of salt. Just keep moving forward and don’t look behind you.  A safe haven is nearby and so is a better kind of love.

Until next time, one foot in front of the other, and stay on your path.

Why Dating is a lot Like Football

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Why Dating is Like College Football

Okay ladies, let’s start by confessing to some truths. We have this tendency to hold guys involved in athletics on a pedestal. It’s not like this scale of value is attached to our brain when judging them; it kind of just happens naturally. It’s hard enough to put ourselves out there to land a guy, but the second we learn that he’s a college football player…well, we just start losing our morals.

See the thing is, these guys know that they’re top-notch. I mean he’s a human like the rest of us, but the difference being he’s about 100 pounds heavier than that lanky ex we dated in high school, 10x faster than the ex who ate his feelings after we dumped him, and has to do 5x less talking than the nice guy who never got himself out of the friend zone. What we don’t seem to understand is that he’s only concerned about getting the most wins at the end of the season. If he can find something meaningful in the process, well that’s just an added bonus.

So how does he get from the starting line to the end zone? With options, lots of options. Initially, the QB throws the ball to a player who’s available and within good reach. In the dating world, the guy throws himself out there for a girl that he’s initially attracted to and can easily impress. He puts on his chivalry-like façade that he’s not like the rest of them, “accidentally” strolls his way down to her dorm room from time-to-time and next thing you know, he’s in the end-zone and about to score.

That’s how dating is perceived to most guys in college. To them, it’s not a process, but a goal. Whether he passes the ball to the girl he wants to sleep with, the girl he’s going to use to benefit academically or the girl he genuinely falls for, guys are concerned about scoring solely. But what happens when he does get the girl? What’s next? It’s like he’s at the 50-yard line with no game plan. Getting the girl is only half the battle, fellas.

Long story short: There needs to be discipline in dating. Firstly, guys need to stop pouncing on the first hot girl they see and girls need to stop thinking the first guy that shows interest is the guy to invest in. It’s all about disciplining yourself to make the appropriate plays down the field. Guys can’t just throw the ball to the first open player they see and girls can’t just accept what’s coming to them with open arms, because it’s tall, dark and handsome.

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Secondly, observation is key! You’re not going to learn everything about each other right away. They say the best way to understand one’s true colors is by seeing how they react in times of victory and especially in times of defeat. So ladies, keep a close eye when he loses a game during the season. Does he go back to the field and improve his game or does he go out with the guys and drink his life away? That decision alone says a lot about him…and whether he has a chance with us to begin with.

With that being said, dating is like football, but it shouldn’t be. Let’s take a step back and rewrite the playbook.

Why Everybody has Somebody Else on the Side

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If you ever end up being the other woman you will always get negative opinions and people stereotyping you.  So you can read  this and judge me, or this might relate to you.  In the end, this is the reality: people cheat. I have been on both sides, I have been the girlfriend and have had my heart broken by cheating boyfriends. I was cheated on every other day by my child’s father who I was engaged to, so my fairy tale life was shattered…I get it. It’s never a good thing, but it happens to most people in their lifetime. After we split six years ago I was back in the dating world and have had my own dirty secrets. From meeting different men with different likes, backgrounds, sexual fetishes, and careers – to hearing their different opinions on monogamy, such experiences can change ones’ entire outlook on love. My views at 22 vs 32 are completely different and more realistic.

For example I was in an emotional / friendship / affair situation with a taken man who helped me through a very difficult and confusing time in my life.  It was a grieving transition after my mother passed away. We related to each others’ pain since he had gone through something similar the year before.  I felt safe to share my darkest feelings and fears with him.  We also had an instant connection like nothing I have ever felt before when we first met. You can read about it in my blog “Why Love At First Sight Is Just Like A Fairy Tale.”  We didn’t get caught, but I’m sure if we had, I would have felt terrible.  If I hadn’t thought we were a match, then this wouldn’t have continued as long as it had.

I’ve always liked the saying, “Everyone comes into your life for a season, reason or lifetime.” Well I think this actually served a purpose and it was for a reason. And now that I saw over a year pass and my feelings never altered and I could see him as more then just a crush I can honestly say,” I love so much about him, mostly his kind heart.” Maybe this situation I had will grow to a lifetime…I don’t know yet.  The best part is, I know all you ladies are shaking your head reading this but we never had sex. So not all affairs are about sex.  Some are about timing, some of us have bad timing and some of us are settling for the wrong people. Sometimes we have to be in bad relationships with the wrong people to actually realize what we do and don’t want in our most important relationship. The relationship that will matter the most, I don’t know about you – but I only want to get married once. So all this trial and error will hopefully pay off.

Dating the last couple of years hasn’t been as easy as people think.  It’s not like it was in my younger years.  My girlfriends always say, “Oh you are pretty, and fun and you have a good head on your shoulders any guy would be lucky to date you.”  Not true. Every single, successful guy with a good head on his shoulders that is the least bit educated has about twenty other girls just like me waiting in the line of hope. They want to snag him up and they have a bag full of tricks to do so.

The most memorable romantic movies usually consist of one or both of the main characters being in a relationship or affair with someone else other then the person they are supposed to be in love with.  Usually the other relationship is all wrong for that character and they are simply not happy or they just broke up with someone who is a disaster for them but they want them back.  Sometimes it’s an arranged marriage or a twisted relationship they are forced into for money or prestige and they feel like they are a prisoner without an escape. Take some of the greatest movies ever and without the plot of this “other relationship.”  Would it be interesting enough to watch, would there even be a legit climax? For example: Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Serendipity, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Notebook, Titanic, Princess Bride. The list goes on, but point proven – this is what makes romantic movies memorable!

In a article posted by Carlie Alexa of CNN a poll of 3,000 people concluded that 1 in 5 people who are in relationships and married are actually in love with someone else. This gives validation to me that the divorce rate is up for a reason people are not thinking straight they are just settling with the idea of having someone even if it’s all wrong. This goes back to my theory that don’t settle for anything less then extraordinary there is a bigger plan for you. Go make mistakes, date the wrong people, get your heart broken, break some hearts yourself justify have some real fun and stop worrying. Once you find him or her and believe me you will know they will basically smack you right in the face you won’t miss it don’t let them go!!

Until next time here’s my quote of the day : “The moment when you realize that you were always the right person. And Only ignorant people walk away from greatness.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Sex or Security: What do Women Want?

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“It’s as easy to fall in love with a rich person as a poor person.”  We have all heard that line before, usually from our mothers.  In fact, the reason I’m thinking about that now is that got a similar line from my mother today.  Her line was, “You need to hang out with a different crowd.” Meaning stop dating broke musicians and start going to alumni events at Wharton where you can snag a rich husband.

This all got me thinking.  Am I nuts?  Life would be a whole lot easier if I found a sugar daddy.  Am I willing to give up sexy musicians for security?  Should I?

So I did some research.  Do relationships between good looking women and rich guys work?

From Helen Fisher, the goddess of biological anthropology, I learned that both having money and having good looks makes you more attractive.  No kidding.  Who would have thought?

Fisher is coming from a Darwinian perspective.  For millions of years, women wanted men who had the resources to raise her children and men wanted women who were fertile to pass on their genes.  Good looks and fertility go together.  Better looking women tend to be more fertile.

Under Fisher’s rubric, It is actually much easier to fall in love with a rich man than a poor man.  The problem is getting him to love you back.  But getting rich guys is a topic for another blog. Rich guy, gorgeous woman seems like a great match.  He gets her fertility.  She gets his money. But it is not.

University of Notre Dame sociologist Elizabeth McClintock studied 1507 couples. According to her research, relationships between rich men and great looking women don’t last.  Unless the rich guy is also great looking and the gorgeous woman is also rich. How could this be?

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Research shows that women are as shallow about looks as men.  That surprised you.  Didn’t it?  But it didn’t surprise me.  I am always trying to fix up my girl friends.  When I mention a guy I want to set them up with, the first question is always, “What does he look like?”  It is never, “How much money does he make?” or “What does he do for a living?”  Also, my friends look for pictures online and if he isn’t cute, nothing about his net worth is going to get her on that first date.

When I look at Hugh Hefner and his parade of magnificent women girlfriends, I think to myself that he is setting himself up for failure.  You know those girls are cheating.  I’m sure he knows those girls are cheating.

I read a Rod Stewart biography and when I got to the part in the book where he is marrying hot, 24 years younger super model Rachel Hunter, I wanted to scream out, “No, Rod!  Don’t do it!”  And Rod is kinda cute.  But not super model gorgeous, and at some point, she was going to dump him.  That writing was on the wall.  She bailed with the official reason being that she felt, “stifled.”  I think stifled is a euphemism for horny for hot, young guys.

What is my point?  Have I answered my question?  Is my mom correct?

Should I dump the rocker boyfriend?  Were the Beatles right?  “All you need is love?” Love doesn’t pay the bills, but he looks crazy hot on stage.

Should I hang out at Wharton Alumni events?  I could use a mansion and a maid.

“He had to really work to get that Porsche, and that’s his bait, and she sees the bait,” Dr. Fisher said. “She reels him in, and he thinks it’s short term. She has sex with him, and he falls for her. Now her babies can ride around in a Porsche.” This is a quote from Katherine Bindley of Huffington Post the article is called, Do Women Want Rich men? This is a great article .

I think they do but good looks overides everything . Tell me what you think ands share your views.

Why Girls Like Going on First dates More than Guys. 

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I was talking to a PR firm today and the owner brought in a female intern to ask her some questions.  One question he asked her is why she would rather meet guys in person, instead of having a video chat with them to see and hear their personality to make sure they have chemistry.  The simple answer she gave is: free food and drinks.

On the other hand, guys don’t really like first dates because they get stuck with the check. I can’t tell you how many times I was on a first date with a girl I met on a dating site who showed no interest in getting to know me at all, but had no problems ordering two or three martinis and a very expensive meal.

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This is why the coffee date was invented. It’s quick, cheap, and as long as both people like coffee, you can have an enjoyable conversation without alcohol or food getting in the way. The main issue is that most girls don’t really want to go on a coffee date because they feel like the guy is cheap.  Or maybe they feel that any guy who isn’t willing to spend $50 on drinks and food isn’t really interested in her. But the truth is, after going on 1000 dates where I spent at least $50, there has to be a line drawn.

Girls can easily meet a guy every day of the week to get free drinks using dating apps like Tinder. It’s easy for girls to have a lot of dates lined up in a week. Of course they want to have as many dates as possible because not only will they meet different guys, but they will continuously get free drinks and food in most cases.  This means they will be spending less of their own money, and less time grocery shopping or cooking.  This may sound extraordinarily untrue, but believe me when I say, it is closer to the truth than you might think.

So now you are probably thinking that although girls might get free drinks or food on the first date, most guys expect sex on the first date. When a guy spends $75 or more on dinner and drinks, it’s no wonder they expect some level of intimacy.  Now if girls were okay with coffee dates (which some are), there’s hardly ever any sexual tension because the most the guy is spending is $10 on two lattes. And coffee dates usually take place during lunch time or the early afternoon when people are still working and less prone to wanting to go home after the date to “get busy”.

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So it seems as if there are two options to having a successful first date.  First is make it simple, and go on a quick coffee date to see if you click.  Second would be a video chat to make sure you have enough chemistry to meet in person.  With the first option you have to spend $10, gas, parking, and time.  With the second option you spend no money, but a little time.  Even with the ubiquitous coffee date you still have to spend some money, so which is better in your opinion?  Leave a comment with your answer!